by Ersatz Elizabeth Taylor
1. Dress up in favorite at-home lounging outfit: black skintight toreador pants, a black leotard, a sparkly gold cinch belt and earrings I made myself out of the iced tops of two cupcakes.
2. Sit in awkward cross-legged position on floor. May never be able to get up again. Do not think about this.
3. Also, do not move upper arms. In fact, cannot move upper arms.
3. Place bottle of delicious, sparkling, refreshing Pepsi-Cola (without moving upper arms, of course) right near present, ribbon, wrapping paper and Scotch tape. One false move - one move of any kind at all, in fact - and it's going down! Pepsi will be everywhere. OK, better not move at all then.
4. Do not look at present I am wrapping. This is key: never look directly at the present. Do not know why, though.
5. Also do not know exactly why am I giving someone a birdcage. With a bird in it! When did I even buy this? How am I supposed to get the wrapping paper around it? What is going on?
6. Next time, try and think things through a little better.
[The bigger version is here; from Life, December 13, 1954.]











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