Mind The Bottle, Liz

Things To Remember While Wrapping Presents

by Ersatz Elizabeth Taylor

1. Dress up in favorite at-home lounging outfit: black skintight toreador pants, a black leotard, a sparkly gold cinch belt and earrings I made myself out of the iced tops of two cupcakes.

2. Sit in awkward cross-legged position on floor. May never be able to get up again. Do not think about this.

3. Also, do not move upper arms. In fact, cannot move upper arms.

3. Place bottle of delicious, sparkling, refreshing Pepsi-Cola (without moving upper arms, of course) right near present, ribbon, wrapping paper and Scotch tape. One false move - one move of any kind at all, in fact - and it's going down! Pepsi will be everywhere. OK, better not move at all then.

4. Do not look at present I am wrapping. This is key: never look directly at the present. Do not know why, though.

5. Also do not know exactly why am I giving someone a birdcage. With a bird in it! When did I even buy this? How am I supposed to get the wrapping paper around it? What is going on?

6. Next time, try and think things through a little better.

[The bigger version is here; from Life, December 13, 1954.]

Startling Detecto

A Detecto scale is not "a perfect gift." Nor is a laundry hamper. And as for the little aluminum wastebasket - not so much, either. This ad ran during the Christmas season of 1949, so it was definitely aimed at the holiday shopper.

Most people do not associate weighing themselves with a good time during the holidays. Consider all those cookies and eggnog and chocolate Santas and so on. Who wants to unwrap a Detecto scale on Christmas morning? No one, that's who. And it comes complete with unspoken messages! Those are always fun.

Nor is a laundry hamper a wonderful gift idea - even if it is "the World's Most Beautiful Hamper." You didn't even know there was a competition among laundry hampers, did you? Well, there was -  and this is the winner. Good thing we can't see the losers. And it's also good that the dirty laundry is not included. I hope.

And finally, the aluminum waste basket. Another festive gift idea that will thrill anyone and make what Detecto calls "the supreme gift." That's what you call it if you buy the scale, hamper and waste basket as a set - supreme. Basically, you're telling the recipient that they're fat, throw dirty clothes on the floor and have a lot of trash. Hey, happy holidays!

I am sure that the recipients would think of some other words besides supreme for this.

[From Life, December 5, 1949.]

Ave Atque Valetray

OK, so how many of you gave Jade East to your dad as a Christmas present? Please raise your hands.

I am waving my hand wildly. I think I may have used this exciting 1960s dad-gift idea more than once in the late 60s/early 70s period. I was in grade school, what did I know?

I remember thinking that it was a really clever and - dare I say - sophisticated present, and he was kind enough to put it on top of his bureau. Where it sat very politely - and sat and sat. Boy, I thought, he must really like it!

I didn't really notice that the bottles were staying full, though. Maybe I should have got him the Jade East Coral or Jade East Golden Lime variations. Actually now that I think of it, the phrase "Golden Lime" sounds disturbingly familiar.

The Valetray came with the cologne and after shave but the "Buddha cuff links and tie tack" and the non-Buddha key ring were not included, sadly. If only I'd known about this fabulous Valetray, I would have gone for that one year - just to change things up a little. Valetray ad from Ebony, November 1966 (the Golden Lime picture is from Ebony, April 1968).

Great big version of the Valetray here.