The Best Fun Maker Ever!

So you've got yourself a nifty car horn that wolf-whistles and hoots at female pedestrians, and upsets the other drivers. Good! That's a fine start.

This is the next level of automobile fun. It is REAL FUN, not just tapping on a silly old horn. You see, first you get them mad with the horn. Then when they get out of their cars, or off the front porch, to come and confront you - oh boy! They will get a "HARMLESS, but VERY EFFECTIVE shock."

And when they come back that night to key your car, or put rotten tomatoes all over it - they'll get a follow-up surprise! Another shock! They will get such a good laugh out of it, too. Why, I can only imagine how popular you are going to be. This is well worth ten dollars (the equivalent of a week's worth of groceries back then, I believe).

And when you touch bumpers with your "buddie's" car, he won't be able to get in his car either. Very soon, he will be your "ex-buddie." He will be buddies with all your neighbors instead. And then that's when you had better start thinking about moving away and going to a new town where they "can take a joke." Wherever that is. Just don't go to New York and try this, that's all I'm saying.

In yesterday's comments, Da Old Man and Me-Me King mentioned that they had (respectively) owned or knew of an owner of the Wolf-Whistle Horn (you were probably kidding, Da Old Man, right? Right?). Likewise, if anyone really knew someone who owned the Auto-Shocko, we all want to know!

A thousand thanks to Heather, who sent me this ad. She just wrote a fabulous post on vintage ads, so so funny - I recommend that you go visit her right about now and read it.

The Double-Quick-Plus Disaster

For the man who has totally run out of good ideas, here is the Woo-Wee Auto Horn.

Not only will you alienate women with this thing*, but you can goad "road hogs" into full-blown rage as you emit screeches, barks, whistles and siren noises. That'll work out well.

And who hasn't thought to themselves: I wish I could buy me a bright yellow Cadillac. It would sure impress the girls. And everyone would get out of my way on the highway, too. But those Cadillacs sure are pricey....Hey, I know! I'll buy a loud obnoxious horn instead. It's practically the same thing!

You thought inventing the automobile was a clever trick? Forget about it, that was nothing. This is the epitome of wit and charm. Too bad if you want to reel in the babes in Ohio, though - you'll have to pay extra.

Insurance and legal fees not included.

*Although it seems to amuse elves in curlers, if that's your sort of thing.

From Popular Mechanics, March 1948. (Just how popular were those mechanics, anyway?)

Frazzle Dazzle

This girl looks far too put-together to illustrate what it means to be worn to the proverbial frazzle. Her hair is brushed, for one thing. And she's wearing makeup and the mascara is not raccooned all around her eyes.

Leaning on one hand and pouting a little is all very well, but it is not what I think of when I hear the word frazzled. You know how they play music to get models in a perky mood for photo shoots? Well, this is what needs to happen before this photo shoot:

1. Start cooking a five course meal which involves lots of chopping, measuring, stirring and general fussing. At least three of the courses need to be cooked at the same time, both on the stove and in the oven.

2. The phone will ring at least once every ten minutes. It is not a cordless phone because this is 1966.

3. A few small children will be hired to come into the kitchen at regular intervals. They will complain of hunger, thirst, boredom, and that someone is being mean to them. And that someone has spilled grape soda on the couch.

4. The TV in the next room will be on and audible. A series of obnoxious cartoons and tiresome variety shows will be on, with irritating, metallic laugh tracks. Get one of the children to keep turning the volume up.

5. A few cats will rush around the house very fast and knock over their water dish a few times. Then they will manage to get onto the kitchen table and start eating the main course.

6. Oh, and also there will be at least one key ingredient that she needs but is not in the house.

7. And finally, some unexpected company will start ringing the doorbell and calling out things along the lines of "Yoo hoo! It's us!" (Perhaps they are in search of some Jell-O).

8. Smoke begins to curl out of the stove and a pot boils over. The phone rings. The doorbell rings. Children begin to fight over the last of the grape soda. Loudly. And Soupy Sales, on TV, is instructing the children about how to send him Mommy's grocery money.

And now?

Now you can take the picture. And give that woman a dose of Chase's Nerve Food: it's what's for dinner!

Eternal Sunshine of the Memindex

Well, I want to know exactly what it is that he was supposed to remember. And what does he mean, "It cost me money to forget!" It could mean:

(a) He lost money because he blew some business deal, because he forgot to go to a meeting or something. I think that's what they mean here. But it can also mean:

(b) He paid someone or something to prevent him from remembering. He really had to pay some money, in order to forget! Perhaps Lacuna, Inc? In which case, we may have a prequel to write.

And what a thrilling invention we have in the Memindex. It's a card file! It's revolutionary! Also fairly expensive for 1948, but worth a thousand times more than the $5.75 you will pay. Those little 3x5 cards must be embossed with gold. Or they are magically enchanted and can speak to you: "Hey, you loser! Don't forget that meeting with Johnson this morning!"

Thank you to Lisanne! at Flickr for the image, from Popular Mechanics (1948).

Bouquet De Milwaukee

"She appears in a halo of exquisite fragrance."

That's why they can't see those fangs on her, or the look in her eyes. She blinded them with olfactory science, that's what.

Also, she is also packing some "glowing vibrant lipstick," which helps to knock out her victims with "irresistible lip lure." It emits invisible rays, no doubt.

There's something quite terrifying behind her - either a hat veil or her dark wolf-like doppelgänger. Whatever it is, it looks like it's ready for a little snack. And when its blood sugar starts dropping, it isn't going to be in a good mood (and don't we all know what that's like!).

Later on, she will put all her new admirers in the dungeon, which is cleverly concealed behind the fake wall in her boudoir. Seriously, does this not look just like a horror movie poster?

Now if you can't locate this exquisite stuff at the drugstore, you might like to make your own. And I have just the retro business opportunity for you:



Well, we can see that perfume is profitable! I just want to know how Mr. Schneider thinks we are going to make an exotic "Bouquet de Orient" with "no equipment." Also, he is not even in the Orient. Last I heard, Milwaukee is not in Asia. So this really is going to take some devious trickery. I have a feeling that Vampirella will know just how to do it.

Advertisement (1936) from Duke University's Ad Access. Classified ad from Popular Mechanics, March 1948.

Can't Buy A Thrill

"Luster-Foam creates a dainty, stimulating bubble bath which cleans teeth thrilling new ways...Don't be a back number. Wake up your mouth..."

Listen, if you get so excited brushing your teeth that you get it all over your face - you really need to get out a little more. Maybe take up a new hobby. Dare I say, get a life?

Oh, I do. I do dare.

Because Luster-Foam Lady? You are scaring me a little...

From that wild and crazy magazine, Ladies' Home Journal (1939).

The Jelly Beans Must Be Art Nouveau

Cheer up, Wranglers! There are groovy gifts and date ideas in store for you today.

Welcome to the Meme-Inspired Randomness, Part 2 - otherwise known as more fabulous advice from that 1960s Movie-Review Pundit, Rex Reed. He would like you to take note of how to be Hip when you give a guy a present. This is the sort of thing that Hip Guys like, apparently:

Hip Gifts To Give A Man

1. Art Nouveau jelly beans ("$5 a pound at Henri Bendel") [I think they are just multi-colored. Do they taste like Tiffany stained glass? Maybe they make you want to draw fancy motifs on everything.]

2. Fig leaf bathing suit [If only I could find an ad for this...Oh wait, here's one from 1998! Note the stunned, confused look on the "genius" who supposedly invented these things - but we know better, don't we?]

3. Old-world globe [Sort of a palate-cleansing sorbet of boredom, after the excitement of the jelly beans and the bathing suit]

4. Gold blazer buttons [And the boring continues! Having said that, though, the Wrangler guy in the white blazer does seem to be in need of some...]

5. Electric wastebasket [This is what we now call a paper shredder. Can also double as a good name for a 60s rock band, in case you have one of those sitting around the house]

6. Have his Army boots bronzed [Actually, this might be ideal for the Wrangler guys at the left - they all look sort of bronzed, don't they? In both senses of the word.]

Unfortunately, Rex does not list what he thinks the men should be ponying up in the gift department, for the women. After that Bronzed Army Boots idea, though, perhaps it's just as well.

Now, along with the gift-giving comes the dating. So here are some Hip ideas for dates. Oh boy, looks like I actually go on these kinds of dates, who knew things were so groovy for me? Rex's suggestion is, of course, first; and my exciting version is in brackets:

1. Supermarket dates [Go to grocery store and push wobbly cart around; enjoy witty conversation about next week's meals; fall into Muzak-induced fugue state, stagger around store sticking who-knows-what into cart. Then discover it is not actually your cart...]

2. Going to same restaurant four nights in a row [A little restaurant also known as The Kitchen...we go there all the time! Shame about the menu, they really need a new chef...]

3. Standing room at the opera [Watch TV while cleaning living room. Then listen to radio while folding laundry. I have season tickets!]

4. Discussion of trivia on first date [This is amazing - how did Rex know? We discuss trivia 24/7! My whole life is a psychedelic phantasmagoria of hipness!]

Thank you very much, Rex, we get the idea. You can go back to your 1966 Cosmo now, and stay there. And thank you to Janet of Found In Mom's Basement for the truly groovy 1968 Wrangler ad.

******

Many thanks to Heather for the Seal of Awesomeness and the Lemonade award!

Swinging Fashion Tips From Barbie and Rex

It's a good thing Barbie over there has many swinging things to say, because I have some swinging memes to do!

Cen of Cen's Loft and Tricia at papercages (sadly, no more, so I can't link - miss you, Tricia!) passed along the seven-random-things meme at the end of last year, and now my dear pal Kris of Lily's Licorice has given me the six-random-things meme, too. That makes a total of twenty random things, I think. They are supposed to be things about me, but I like to make up my own randomness. SO....the next couple of days will be a festival of odds and ends (cue the punchline: so what else is new around here?)

Also, I might have more than 20 things, because I have in front of me a guide to all things Hip from 1966. There's a lot of ground to cover, all right. All of it so funny that there'll be plenty of leftovers for tomorrow. Just like the best kinds of dinner, in my opinion!

For our first episode, the lovely New Talking Barbie over there is going to talk to us about Looking Hip. Her source is film critic Rex Reed's splendid Hip (?) Girl's Directory (the little question mark is Rex's, not mine - and I have no idea where his doubts lay, either). It appeared in Cosmopolitan magazine in April 1966, which was around the time of Barbie's bendiferous heyday (that was 1965-67, to be exact).

Barbie always wants to talk about hair and clothes, after all, so here you go, this is what's IN:

1. White stockings
2. Rings on toes
3. Bell-bottom trousers
4. Party pajamas
5. Dynel hair switches
6. Shoulder makeup
7. Lacquered triangle bobby pins
8. Vinyl raincoats
9. White eye-liner
10. Positive lipstick colors

In other words, Barbie's 1966 clothing line from that famous couturier, Coco Mattel. And as a bonus, here are five hip expressions to use while you are wearing all that plasticky stuff:

1. Blow your cool
2. Crackers
3. Snarky
4. Mousing
5. Mippy

Warning: DO NOT say things like Raunchy, Swinging, Too Much, Groovy, Pussycat, Fab, Super or Get Serious! Rex says they are not hip. And perhaps that is where the question mark comes into it. For he has no control over what Barbie, or you, are saying. Why would he? Get serious, pussycat!

And so much for yesterday's post title, I guess. But I won't blow my cool over it or go crackers or anything. Peace out, man - and more to come tomorrow.

And a thousand thanks to my hip and cool friend Heather for the Barbie ad!

P.S. What in the world does Mippy mean? Anyone? Urban Dictionary says it now means "Modern Hippie" but I don't think that's what Rex Reed had in mind. It sounds like what you might name a little cat - perhaps that's where the Mousing comes into it.

Gear Fab!

Sing it, sister!

Wait - OK, just wait a minute here. Stop. Please stop singing!

I'm going to have to stop you right there. Because that rhyme - you can't just rhyme easy with - easy. Just because Fab makes your washing less difficult does not mean you can start slacking off on everything else.

Also, maybe your washing wasn't white to begin with. What if you popped a bunch of blue towels in the wash? Having them come out white is not a plus.

And I am not sure about using Fab to wash the dishes. That's a little strange. Clearly this lady is getting way, way too excited about the product. So let's slow down a minute...

Above all, we need to rewrite this pop masterpiece. Apparently this must be sung to that popular tune "Pop Goes the Weasel." Which doesn't give us a huge amount of creative scope, but we'll do our best. Even though the word Fab always reminds me of A Hard Day's Night and the Beatles saying "gear, fab!" all the time (which meant, of course, that they were well and truly pleased - just like this pop-eyed laundry lady).

I really hate to do the wash
So dull and soul-destroying!
But when I use a jigger of Fab
It's not that annoying.

Well, maybe. Let's try again:

Don't stick blue towels into your machine
And then put lots of Fab in,
'Cause then you'll get a lousy surprise,
And you'll be crabbin'.

Um, ma'am? You can stop singing now...Thank you. And don't call us, we'll call you.

The Emperor's New Den

There was clearly a market, back in 1960, for rooms designed especially for small dictatorial men. Just in case they wanted to decorate their dens. In case they wanted to? Oh, but of course they wanted to! They demanded it. Actually, some flunky (retro Josephine, perhaps) did all the work. He just stood around with his hand in his jacket, wearing a funny tricorn hat.

The Practical Encyclopedia of Good Decorating and Home Improvement says we can learn a lot from this room:

Yes, we do "know at a glance" that this person is obsessed with the "Little Corsican." But the lessons we are going to learn are not about grouping objects effectively or using a solid color to offset all those gilded tschotchkes. No, no, no. This room shouts not: I know how to decorate but rather: I only answer to Your Highness! Now go invade Russia, and don't come back unless you're packing some premium caviar for my afternoon snack!

The velvet armchair is perfect for lounging and for ordering people around. And all the little medals and helmets and doodads are the ideal visual cues for friends - they'll know better than to ask difficult questions like: Got any good snacks? Can I play with the fringe on those epaulets on the wall? or, Hey, how 'bout that Battle of Waterloo?

The Undentist

"Gee, Jimmy, you'll like the new dentist! He's swell! He even has a little TV in front of the big chair!"

Young Jimmy didn't know what he was in for, the day he went in for his annual checkup...

Gosh, TV at the dentist's! What fun that would be...And at first, it was. At first, it was just innocent little kiddie shows. Cartoon animals bopping each another on the head with large mallets. Crudely drawn cowboys at high noon, in bad moods. That sort of thing.

Little Jimmy - like the other kiddies before him - almost forgot that The Dentist was doing complicated things in his mouth. With a strange drill no one had ever seen before. It had what looked like little planets revolving at one end. The Dentist said he'd invented it. He was new in town. Came highly recommended, too.

But later, when people started asking around in the town he came from - they said they never heard of him.

Boy, it was just like going to a matinee at the theatre. Except there was no candy or popcorn, duh! And in the movie theater, you didn't have a strange man in a white coat jabbing at your molars with a sharp implement. Well, not as a rule.

And then Nurse Grimm (with that fixed, unnerving smile) put the other movies in the small electric projector. And soon Jimmy couldn't take his eyes off the little screen.

That's the way it always went. Soon, you forgot where you were. And then you forgot your name and address...Next stop, the Twilight Zone.

Thank you to Jamie for this little slice of transcendental, real life film noir.

Strange Interludes

Lapel pins and palmistry. What's the connection between them? Oh, who knows. I'll bet Webb doesn't even know. Maybe he's hypnotized. And what's in that surprise package, anyway?



Well, I have a Scientific Home Method for curing stammering, too. And it's called Taking Off the Gag. In fact, that might be the actual problem here.



Let's read it out, all together now: Sun! Fun! Hat! These words go together, children. Sun plus Fun equals Hat. A cute, stretchable, tea-cosy of a hat. And it's magic, too. When you put it on your head, you turn into a Barbie doll.

I don't think Webb and his lapel pin palmistry can top that.

Before And After Fruit Salt

All happy families are alike
It says in Anna Karenina;
I guess that means they all must use
This effervescent enema:

Bold Eno synthesizing fruit
So brazenly with salt!
Some people think it strange and gross
And turn instead to malt.

This Eno might be Brian, then:
For here's the same reliance
On text and image weird and odd,
Before and After Science -

O music critics gather round
And see the tense grow placid!
For Brian's cured their GI tracts
With magical antacid!

And nothing will alarm this bunch,
Not protein, carb or fat;
They'll feast on roast behemoth now,
And end with King's Lead Hat.



[Another ad straight from the basement floor joists, from 1950. I really like this Eno's ad - and I really like Brian Eno...I thought about writing a parody of "King's Lead Hat" but I'll save that for another time. He wrote some other parody-worthy, and catchy, songs, too.]

Gray Expectations

"Without justice or kindness, gray hair can rule your life. It can choose your clothes - confine you to a few subdued colors. It can pick your friends - from 'the older set.' It can dictate many things you say or do."

Never mind Mussolini et al. He has nothing on Gray Hair. Gray Hair is telling you to which friends to have ("the older set" - gee, thanks a lot!) - and how to dress: wear gray, maybe beige if you're feeling daring.

Yes, that mean old Gray Hair causes many heartaches. But Clairol is not your only option.You could yank the Gray Hair out. That'll show it who's the boss of your Color Me Beautiful book!

Or perhaps you could color them beautiful with a black magic marker - maybe the lady on the left will lend you hers, now that she's done her eyebrows.

Or you could - oh, I know this sounds crazy! - learn to live with the Gray Hair. Maybe it's just feeling defensive, not really dictatorial. You might be misreading the whole situation. Maybe you'll even end up friends, you two - chatting, going for coffee, maybe doing a little shopping.

Then you will have a new problem. People will think you're chock full o' nuts, talking to your hair.

And that will make you look as crabby and tight-lipped as the lady in the ad. And she's the after picture. I don't really think she likes her hair dyed licorice-jelly-bean black and piled on top of her head. Or perhaps that's a very small bear cub hibernating up there. That would explain her looking just a little - tense.

Clairol ad from 1943 from Duke University's Ad Access.

Hot Dan the Mustard Man

Well, hello there, Hot Dan. Who knew that you'd been hiding under the floor joists in our basement since 1950? Not me. Renovating can be so rewarding! I just didn't think that it would help out around here, too.

Anyway, I ironed Hot Dan and some of his little advertisement pals last night. They were very yellow and extremely crumpled (the fabulous full-color Dreft ad may need a re-iron, come to think of it). So I did what I could.

He seems to be pointing to his huge bow tie for some reason. I hope there isn't any mustard on that. But there would have to be. How could you not get mustard (and plenty else) all over that thing?

It also has to be said that in the modern sense of the word "hot", Dan just - isn't. He gets points for a cheerful disposition and a possible sense of humor. But a hottie? Not a lottie.

Still, Not So Hot Dan looks quite perky - perkier than any one of us after only one day of interacting with the floor joists (never mind 59 years!).

And if that alone isn't a ringing endorsement for French's, I don't know what is.

Reckless On Laundry Day

Oh, Mrs. Muller. It may well be that in-between season, not quite spring and not quite winter. Still, that is no reason to get all giddy and carefree and positively hedonistic, is it?

You know how careless it is to go out and hang clothes on the line "not dressed right for the weather." That bikini really isn't a good idea in March, you know!

No wonder your back is chilly.

But she doesn't worry, you see, "as Dodd's Kidney Pills soon help the situation." I can just see the little box hurrying out back with a sweater, can't you? Must be an awfully big box to be able to carry your winter cardigan out to the back forty.

I suspect that the Dodd's Pills may have asked the Sunlight Soap for assistance with the heavy lifting.

Advertisement from a 1953 Dodd's Almanac, which is full of middle-aged people with back problems (which is about my speed on a Monday, minus the matronly hats).

For more exciting Dodd's Kidney Pills fun you can go visit my other blog (cough, cough) and look at these:

Dodd's Kidney Pills
Then She Used Dodd's Kidney Pills
"Don't Let Them Sell You Anything Else!"
Molly Throws In the Towel

Not that I'm obsessed with Dodd's or kidneys or anything. Nope, not me. But I do love their goofy little almanacs!

Out Of The Scrub Pail

I wasn't even in the scrub pail in the first place. I was over here on the couch reading a magazine. So there's no need to tell me to keep out of it.

I can go so far as to say that I will never be in the scrub pail. With or without the new Hydromatic Minute Mop. I don't think we'd both fit in there, anyway.

Oh - you mean the Hydromatic Minute Mop will keep me out of the scrub pail. Well, that's very thoughtful of it. There is, apparently, a written six-year mechanical guarantee that I will not have to stoop, bend over, splash or get my hands wet.

OK, this is where I get a little sceptical. The not going into the pail, I can believe. But not getting my hands wet for six years? I don't think so! And I just know I will be stooping and bending over - there's stuff I have to pick up off the floor. I don't suppose the Hydromatic is going to run into the living room and pick up all those cat toys, is it?

And is it going to promise me no one's going to spill Fresca on the table? That would come under the category of splashing.

As for the wet hands, let's just see whether this mop actually offers to do any dishes. I'm thinking it probably won't.

Expect Something Odd

Today we're going to party like it's 1955!

There are some amazing opportunities to be had in Science and Mechanics magazine. Their Classifieds section is most entertaining. To begin with, there is an entire section devoted to Remailing Letters. People in the 50s sure had a lot going on! In case you missed my other post on this (ahem) Letter Remailing is a little caper in which you deceive your friends and family into thinking that you're in Paris or LA or Fond du Lac, having sent your mail to a sneaky person in that place who will post them for you. For a fee, of course.

The master of Remailing was a fellow called George. Check out his repertoire:

Why stop at Canada, though, George? Why not the capitals of Europe, why not Asia and Australia and the North Pole? Think what kind of fees you could charge Santa Claus.

If you want to go into business yourself, like George, you don't even have to tell people what you are doing! You may not even know yourself, that's how secret it is:

Just expect something Odd in the mail. Really very Odd, since it is capitalized. After all, the Pacific is sending it to you. As in the Pacific Ocean? Maybe. Didn't know it hung out in Oceanside. Although that makes sense, I guess (though it's a little self-referential).

And finally we have some amazing opportunities in magic:

A Top Hat that lives in Evanston wants to send you Joker's Novelties and the BEST Magic. If it can pull that ten cent catalog out of itself, then I'll be impressed.

Fred Maher is very excited about teaching you some ventriloquism. And how to project your voice complete with exclamation points! But first, tell him your age! Because the Dummy Catalog is not for minors!

And the Southeast Magic School can't keep a secret. They spend most of their time, it would seem, mailing them out to anyone who sends them a quarter wadded up in toilet paper in an envelope. They just love sending things in the mail - as frequently as possible!

George must be keeping them busy.

Monster A Goo-Goo

Oh, lovely. "You must avoid Greasy Goo." Thanks for the tip. I had no idea!

One way to avoid Greasy Goo would be not to hang around under those creepy letters which clearly have escaped from some B-movie called The Thing From Planet Goo.

That parted-down-the-middle look is not helping either. The Before guy - yet another disembodied head (he's from the horror film too) - has many issues besides the state of his hair. I mean, look at him. He looks like Benny Hill in Granny Clampitt's Sunday wig.

Kreml is not going to help with that.

And the hand! The hand! Where did that come from? I don't even think it belongs to him. Whose hand is it? Does it belong to Jughead down in the lower lefthand corner? (If so, perhaps it is looking for his Jughead hat).

Then we move on to the post-Kreml guy. But his hair looks the same as the Before Head's hair. He parts his hair in a different place, but he looks just as greasy as Granny Benny.

Also, he is about to try and sell us a terrific used car. Driven only on Sundays by a little old lady from Peoria. Just guess who the little old lady is. Hint: she doesn't use Kreml. And the car she was driving? Don't buy it. It runs on Greasy Goo. And it will take you to some terrifying places.

This 1949 gem is from Duke University's Ad Access. And the terrible, awful best-I-can-do title is from this 1965 horror movie, Monster A Go-Go - it's on the list of one of the worst films ever made (and that's saying something!). The movie poster image is from Wikipedia, which is where the last link takes you. If you want to go there, that is...

Hey Kids! Let's Put On A Show!

A few weeks ago I wrote about the Radio Microphone that you could really entertain people with at parties. Well, here's an ad for the same sort of thing - only it's from Nebraska, not Brooklyn. And unlike the eastern version, this one is made of "beautiful metallic plastic." Fancy!

Clearly they are much more fun out there in the Midwest than in Brooklyn, because there are some pretty wild suggestions about how to have FUN with it. You see, the Radio Microphone is not just a means of annoying guests at parties. Or rather, at "parties" - as this 1955 ad puts it. They probably aren't sure what they are implying with those quotation marks. I'm not sure anyone ever knew, really.

Well, now you can move on from "parties" and kick things up a notch by annoying not just friends, but strangers! How about those so-called professional broadcasters who are trying to, you know, get radio shows (or "radio shows") on the air. Yes, with the amazing Radio Mike you can "CUT IN ON or KID regular network programs." Harass them, in other words. Try not to giggle too much while you do this.

Won't the gang down at the station get a hearty chuckle out of your on-air shenanigans! You can interrupt the news to tell your latest joke. You might want to have an impromptu duet with Elvis. People will love that. And for a grand finale you could break into the political news show to wow everyone with your solo rendition of "My Way" - or, if you've just been to Dr. Martini's*, "That's Amore!"**

Seriously, if that isn't "Real Fun," I just don't know what is.

*Boy, how many past posts can she shill in this one? Two, it looks like. But I promise not to interrupt any CBC programming or anything.

**Tori will be turning the radio off just about now.

Optometry Knocks For Drs. Martini & Rossi

I dreamed that I went to the optometrist - and it was Dean Martin. Only he had an 'i' at the end of his name. And the office looked like a cocktail lounge. And he kept singing. About how the moon hits my eye like a big pizza pie. So probably I need glasses. Dr. Rossi has some, Dean said - what kind of glasses did I want: wine, brandy or, ha ha, martini?

Oh, and you wouldn't believe the wild eye test he gave me!

A Meditation On Lusty Kalms

Good fortune smiles down
On one whose given surname
Is such perfection!

All Nervous Nellies
Must be drawn to such a pill -
This new Lusty Kalm!

O happy is she
With pure herbal sedation!
Whatever that means.

A Lucky Charm, though
Is similar but in sound:
It's mere cereal.

Best not to inquire
What makes old Lusty so Kalm -
Life is worth living!

It's safe to assume
That it's all medicinal.
All natural, too.

O clever Lusty
Here comes Serenity Now:
In Westcliff-on-Sea

The sun shines brighter -
The pharmacies there all sell
Your harmless calmness.

Many many thanks to Amy, author of the delightful I Love Retro Things, for this and other wonderful ads! And another thank you to Jamie, the lovely Hussy Housewife - who also sent me some terrific ads awhile back (Jamie, I just figured out how to download them from a zip file, so that's going to help! At this rate it'll only take me about 6 more months to figure out Twitter).

Two Rebels

The 1915 Rebel Girl on the left is fighting for Women's Suffrage, which was going to take another 3 years.


By 1933 she has been transformed into a shadowy Lovely Rebel. She may have the vote, and that's all right - but she's getting older, and that will never never do! So she will be using her fighting energy to make the signs of aging disappear.

Off to Dorothy Gray for some massive beauty treatments, and - no doubt - massive transfers of cash to Dorothy Gray.

I know which kind of rebel I want to be.

Happy International Women's Day - it may be a day late, but the message is good any day of the year.

The 1912 "Rebel Girl" sheet music cover is from the NYPL Digital Gallery. The Dorothy Gray ad is from Duke University's Ad Access (you can see a bigger version over there).

A Lose-Lose Situation

Terry Bradshaw is apparently a famous football player, which as you can tell by my use of "apparently" came as a big surprise to me. Anything about football comes as a surprise to me, in fact.

There is a Wikipedia article about him over here. And you can see from the recent photograph there that he's gone pretty bald since the New Man Qaylar days (this ad is from 1978).

Well, he may well be "darned demanding" - and aren't we all, really? - but the Qaylar did not work. Terry Bradshaw's Hair...0; Qaylar....also 0. I'd also like to know how the Qaylar "answered all [his] needs." All of them? How can this be? This may be a slight exaggeration, I'm just saying.

And yet it does not look like the New Man Stylist really changed Terry Bradshaw all that much. You'd think that a New Man Stylist would at least provide his client with a New Outfit. Or show him some New Facial Expressions.

I keep wanting to put a 'u' in between the Q and the a. It is really annoying.

Perhaps this is a clue to why the stuff did not work. People who don't know how to keep letters in their name might not be experts in keeping hair on heads.

Afterthought That Is Like an Announcement, Only Less Organized: It has recently (very recently!) come to my attention that it is, in fact, International Women's Day (not just national, international!) and although I managed to pull myself together and write something appropriate on my other blog (although the woman I wrote about was NOT a suffragist, whoops) - I then thought: oh no, I not only did NOT write about women's stuff on Kitchen Retro, I wrote about a guy. Going bald! That is not IWD friendly, is it?

I could write a second post, but I realize that that might be annoying. And that's no good. So....we're going to do IWD here tomorrow. A day late, a dollar short, but I promise it will be something fun. I'll meet you back here tomorrow, OK? See you then!

The Remains of the Case

Opportunity knocks! And it's got a case full of old rags. Without even one cent cost to you.

Well, they call them suit samples. But you know what that means: bits of old raggedy cloth. That is why they don't want even one penny for this job lot of bits off the factory floor. Bits of overcoats and suits! All free today, just like the lollipop man says in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang just before he lures the kids into a dungeon by promising them loads of candy, no strings attached. Duh, there are always, always strings attached!

Still, if you act now, you can be just as happy as the ad guy is. And he sure is happy, is he not? You can make up to $30 a day showing these little bits of cloth to your friends. That includes the possibility of making $0 a day, too.

Oh, your friends will love this. Really, they will. They are a stylish bunch, your friends. They will love "last-minute stylings." That sounds like what you throw on in desperation because you're late for work. It also sounds a lot like my fashion credo most days.

Perhaps these are magical cloth remnants. Once your friends get a good look at them, they will be hypnotized - or as the ad puts it "THEY ORDER!"

Can I get them to do other things, too? Because if so, I definitely want the sample case.

Walter Mitty Rides Again

James Thurber's 1939 short story"The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" is about a suburban guy who, while waiting for his wife to finish up at the beauty parlor, imagines himself in heroic ways. He pretends that he is a wartime Navy pilot, a brilliant surgeon, a dastardly assassin and a dashing RAF pilot. Note the preference for exciting forms of transportation - we'll be coming back to that in a minute.

Of course he's just doing all this in his head while Mrs. Mitty gets blued and rinsed.

The story was made into a 1947 movie with Danny Kaye. But did you know what really happened to Walter Mitty after the end of the story? (Maybe you don't care, and that's OK too. This post isn't very long!) Just take a look at the ad. He has scaled down those heroic dreams, all right.

Now it's 1948, and he gets his jollies pretending to be a debonair delivery boy. All thanks to the Cushman Motor Works Package-Kar. Sometimes he even pretends that he's a superspy driving a car that is two-thirds invisible. Something went wrong with the bit that's supposed to make him invisible, too. He'd better work on that. There's still a few minutes before the missus needs to picked up from the Salon de Beauté de Levittown.

Strange Catalogue

Bad things turning worse
Are like fast cars in winter
Filling boots with slush.

And jangling nerves are
Like the neighbor's car alarm
Calling all banshees.

Let confusion fade
Like storm clouds in the summer -
I have a green stone!

But is it "lucky"?
Can it be a real "touchstone"
With these quotations?

Quotations can mean
"I am being ironic"
Or, "This is a trick."

Meanwhile, Master "A"
(Quotation marks strike again!)
And/or DeLaurence

Suggests that you write,
Send money for this "touchstone"
And gold mylar case.

Send some more money
And get the supreme pleasure:
A strange catalogue.

Canadian Breakfast Content

This lady likes her cereal so much she's decided to wear it right where she can get at it throughout the day. Like a beautiful necklace! Only heavier. And full of sloshable goodness.

This is the ultimate in Canadian Content - that media issue that we have had for many years, as we all watch masses of American television and listen to American music. Where, oh where is the Canadian Content?

Well, look no further!

There's one simple take-away message here: this stuff is Canadian. Have you got that? Well, have you? Because what we're talking about is Canadian Shredded Wheat.

It is made by the Canadian Shredded Wheat Company.*

It consists of - listen closely now! - shredded wheat that is actually made in Canada. And what do they make it from? From Canadian wheat, that's what.

If there is any non-Canadian wheat lying around, it will not be shredded. No way. Not gonna happen.

Now, the peaches and cream - well, they might come from Canada also. They probably do. Those peaches better have come from BC, where they grow "enticing, flavor-full, refreshing, fresh fruit." That's a lot to ask of a little piece of fruit, but the Canadian Shredded Wheat demands no less. And we have many dairy products in Canada, too. I am sure that the shredded wheat would repel any non-Canadian cream, as if it was made from a strain of patriotic, yet edible, Gore-Tex.**

And this lady had better be careful on the streetcar or she really will be wearing her breakfast (and her lunch and supper too, apparently). Good thing it's her favorite.

*If you take a look at the box, you'll see that the wheat biscuits are almost the size of the factory.
So when the bowl-of-cereal necklace meets an untimely end on this dame's dress, her big bar of Sunlight will come in handy!

** Yes, Gore-Tex is American. Yes. I know.

Caught Between the Sun and New York City

What to wear if you're a big dork tourist on the surface of the sun: a really ugly synthetic shirt teamed with a cheesy sort-of-matching tie. It's a Manhattan fashion! That must mean sophisticated. Only...they don't really have anything to do with New York City. It is the Canadian shirt company's clever, tricky name. (Where in Canada? Who knows. They're not telling!)

Now clearly these three are not actually in Manhattan, no matter what the shirtmaker wanted to suggest to us. Obviously they are somewhere out in space. In more ways than one, judging from their expressions.

The one on the far right is really stylish, what with the glasses he has stuck in his pocket. That's quite a fashion trend. And it must also be "sensible" to wear shirts and trousers so tight and plasticky that you are unable to move. That's right, just stand there. Try to look sophisticated.

Or at least like you know where you are and how you got there.

These guys may be wax figures who have escaped from Mme Tussaud's (they were in the Hall of Idiots) - but somehow, they have managed to not melt in the powerful rays of whatever galaxy's sun they are enjoying. In which case those shirts really do withstand hot temperatures.

This delightfully uncool ad is from Time magazine, June 1970.

Potluck With Lucrezia Borgia

The Retro Recipe of the Week is a standout primarily for its extremely strange name. And it certainly brings new meaning to the term "potluck," doesn't it?

I'm scanning it from the cookbook to prove to you that there really is a printed recipe called Poison Salad. Admittedly, this is not a wonderful gourmet dish. In fact, it sounds quite horrible. But poisonous? No...not quite.

Why would someone call it that, do you think? Surely they wanted to encourage people to eat it and make it. Right? Unless of course Lucrezia Borgia, noted Italian homemaker and poisoner, had contributed to the Jaycees' 1968 salad cookbook, perhaps through a combination of sheer will, time travel and a desire to combine pimento, sweet pickle, mayonnaise and other salad detritus with macaroni. Macaroni, and whatever else she felt like throwing in. With retro salads, you never know, really.

Lucrezia was supposed to have owned a hollow ring in which she kept poison to put into the drinks of guests she did not like. But history - until now - does not mention her interest in macaroni salad.

The splendid ad on your left is from JB Curio's amazing collection at Flickr; he has a terrific blog called JB's Warehouse and Curio Emporium, which is loads of fun and well worth visiting.

Elizabeth Kerri Mahon writes about Lucrezia on her excellent blog Scandalous Women, too.

More about Lucrezia at Wikipedia, right this way.

And there's a blog about the Borgias called The Borgias - lots of interesting posts, and plenty of them concern Lucrezia. Which is hardly surprising.

A Silf-Made Woman

Well, that name won't win any prizes: Silf Obesity Tablets. That's the best they could come up with? Where's the imagination in that? I get the Sylph/Silf thing, that's not a bad start. But then it's as if the copywriters and artists all...fell into a stupor.

They probably ate too many sugar doughnuts. That'll do it every time.

I mean, the "grateful lady" needs a name and a backstory, people! I want to know exactly how - let's call her Mildred - "freed herself from fat." I want details. And then I would like the rest of the 1940s movie:

She travels on a ship from England to the US, charming men as she sails. Then it's off to Hollywood where Mildred wins a bit part on a motion picture. She then gets the lead when the big star throws a tantrum and demands a huge salary increase. They don't have any extra money because the director lost all the money in the budget, gambling. He's devilishly handsome, the director, but no good at blackjack. He's making his comeback with this movie - was brilliant and destined for great things, however this did not work out (see: gambling issues).

Mildred (who has fallen in love with him, of course) goes to Las Vegas and wins all the money back because (and here we come back to the product!) Silf gave her the silf-confidence to use the amazing mathematics skills she had as a child. She has suddenly remembered her math. She quickly calculates how to win (oh, don't ask me how - my mathematics skills are not amazing).

Too bad Mildred looks so sleepy in the ad though - I think she's been working the blackjack tables too hard. Plus there seems to be the Mildred of Christmas Past behind her, eager for revenge. And she's due back on the set in three hours...

I can't imagine how this is all going to end. Let me know if you have any idea.

******
A thousand thanks to Don over at the very funny Beyond Left Field for the shout out for both my blogs! He is one of my daily reads and, well, I am quite honored. So do go over there right now and check him out, OK?

And another thousand thanks to Max over at the intriguing Clarity 2009 (another daily read of mine) for mentioning this blog so very many times! Glad to be of some inspiration, and all that (I hope that this has intrigued you enough to go over and visit him, too).