Bad Dreamland

What strange amusement park
Straight out of a bad dream
Or possibly out of the pages
Of a Merck Manual
Can this ride be from?

On Laxative Merry-Go-Round?
Not merry. No thanks.

But later on, still more to endure:

The Rollercoaster of Bad Moods,
The Tunnel of Enough,
The Tilt-A-Hurl,
The Haunted Subconscious House.

Then it will be time for a snack:
Cotton cavity candy,
Imitation popcorn with imitation fake butter ,
And soda that belches in the cup
then jumps out and spills on your pants.

Tomorrow all right?
Sparkling bright?

It will be when I wake up
To eye-searing sunlight striping venetian blinds,
My tickets gone.

Or else I could just close the magazine on this ad,

Either one.

Weird Beautiful Gold Acid Test Ring

Buy this lucky ring and you too can be kissing someone inside a little heart, near a tiny bag of money. Also, a grizzled cowboy type will gesture at you in a threatening manner in the rays of the setting desert sun.

Sounds too good to resist, right?

This ring features a mysterious, "marvelously hued" Sun Stone. It is not made of a bit of the sun, but it symbolizes the sun's magic power over wealth, health and happiness. I didn't know it did all that. I guess more than the rain does, anyway. The rain just has the power to make people cranky, and their things wet and soggy. Actually, it might be fun to have a ring that captures that. You could wear one on each hand.

Anyway, this little stone symbolizes the sun. Not only that, but a pebble from my back yard symbolizes the Rocky Mountains and their mysterious power to draw celebrities in large unattractive sunglasses to pose in Aspen.

The ringmeister, Magnus (who Works in New York, apparently) knows a lot of "strange tales of lucky strikes, sudden good fortune in love, in games, and various undertakings." I want to know exactly what sort of undertakings we're talking about, Magnus. You wouldn't happen to be Albertus Magnus, would you?

No, couldn't be. I don't think Albertus Magnus made cheap jewelry - though he did supposedly discover the philosopher's stone. He also was supposed to have witnessed gold being made by transmutation. So maybe - just maybe - he had a hand in this. Somehow. Maybe. OK, probably not. He lived a thousand years or so before this ad came out, which is a problem. But you know that if there had been comic books and cheap magazines in the Middle Ages that this would have been totally up his alley.

And speaking of anachronisms...I also need to know what a "weird beautiful gold acid test ring" might be - and so do the Merry Pranksters and their friend Tom Wolfe. Perhaps that grizzled cowboy in the ad is really Neal Cassady. That would explain a few things.

Finally, let's not forget that we need to be instructed on "how to know and wear" the Lucky Gems. Really, Magnus thinks we need a lesson in how to put on a ring? Can anyone be that unlucky? If so, I don't think this is actually going to help all that much.

******
This is one of the many terrific ads scanned into Wikimedia by Infrogmation, from Art and Beauty Magazine (1926) - thank you, Infrogmation!

A Spot of Bovril

Once upon a time there was a carrot and an onion who were best friends. They lived together in the lefthand bin in my refrigerator (I think I recognize these guys, actually).

The carrot was old enough to know a thing or two but not so old that he had to go in the compost bin. And the onion looked up to the carrot, not just because the carrot was taller. The carrot had seen a thing or two and even claimed to know what was in the Tupperware at the back of the lowest fridge shelf (Note to carrot: please let me in on this).

One day they were sitting on the kitchen table while the fridge was being cleaned out. And while they were waiting around, they met a funny jar of black weird stuff.

"Who are you?" said the onion.

"Me? Good heavens, don't you know? I am a jar of Bovril, my dears. A delicious meat-essence spread much beloved by the English. You may dilute me with water and I become a lovely drink. Or I may be spread upon toast. Among other things."

"You don't say," said the onion, who felt a little green around the gills at the thought of this.

"Oh, ugh," said the carrot, in a cross voice. He was cranky, because he had caught a glimpse of himself in the Bovril jar's glass surface. And just like someone seeing themselves unexpectedly in a mirror, the carrot suddenly felt - well, defensive and insecure. He looked frowsty and hairy - not good for a carrot. Or anyone.

"I make carrots and onions very happy," the Bovril said. "Take a look in my glass side, just there. See? That is how happy you two would be, if you were covered in Bovril."

"Oh - no thanks," said the onion. "I'll just be rolling off the table now, goodbye." For the thought (and smell) of the black tarry spread inside the jar made him afraid. Who would use such a thing? the onion wondered.

It was all quite worrying. He was going to ask the carrot, but the carrot noticed how much better he looked, the longer he stared at the Bovril. The carrot was no longer listening to the onion. The carrot had been hypnotized by the wily jar!

And when it was time to go back into the fridge - the carrot was nowhere to be seen. The onion was afraid, and hid in the corner of the lefthand bin until he was incorporated into some minestrone the following week.

P.S. The carrot was cleaned up and made into delicious muffins, actually. And the Bovril? He went back into his cupboard until the next English person came around looking for things to spread on Rye Crisps or turn into brothy beverages. And it lived happily ever after!

Many many thanks to Heather for the colorful and, may I say, delightfully zippy, ad! I'm feeling much better now.

A Little Je Ne Sais Quoi

She's been lifting weights in secret for months, getting ready for this little shopping trip! Either that, or she's an interior decorator for Stuart Little.


But she seems to have forgotten a few things. Like the sink. And the bathtub.

And I guess she really, really hates cleaning toilets even more than the Gillett's Lye lady, because she left that out, too.

She does like artsy towels. But one gets the feeling that she really hasn't though this through. Stuart's going to have something to say about this, definitely.

Editorial Endnote: I just have to say it! This ad is funny in a mild way but visually - it is driving me crazy! It is so...oh, not boring but...All right! It's boring. Yeah, I said it! It's Friday and I need color and fun and - if it's black and white it had better be punchy and zippy!

So anyway, I might come back later today and post again. Ahem. I'm OK now. Thank you, that is all.

Kelp Yourself

So let's understand this. You will get a box of something that is better than, oh, say, imported Belgian chocolates, for example - plus you will lose a pound a day guaranteed. And you don't need to "cut down on food."

That really is an "amazing discovery of science"! Those scientists worked hard on this one, all right, ordering in dozens of pizzas and celebrating the birthdays of every scientist in history with daily cakes. And then everyone had a kelp chaser or two. What a lot of experimental chomping they must have done, just so we could have this Delicious Kelpidine Candy Plan!

Now, kelp does actually have some health benefits. It is high in iodine, and is used to treat goiter. And it stimulates the thyroid, which is why it is still used in some weight-loss supplements. I guess that was the idea here.

Still, I don't know how you would make the culinary equivalent of a champagne truffle out of it. But apparently if Kelpidine is not more yummy than your most favorite candy - they will return your money.

That being the case, I am surprised that they got to keep any money, really. Because somehow the words "delicious" and "Kelpidine" just don't go together. And I don't think what is happening to the lady waiting there on the scale is going to happen to anyone who isn't a line drawing. They always lose weight really fast, you know.

Kelpidine may be an early incarnation - or rival, depending on the date (which I don't know, I'm guessing late 60s to mid 70s) - of Ayds diet candy (from the 70s to the early 80s, chockful of benzocaine), because this racket calls itself the American Healthaids Company (Candy Division). I love that, don't you? They make health products and they have a Candy Division!

Oh, and by the way - you can buy Chinese kelp candy over here. Just in case you were curious. It doesn't claim to make you lose any weight, though.

Thank you so much to tmat1075 at Flickr for the ad.

Magical Mystery Egg

Roll up! Roll up for the Mystery Egg!

Hi there yourself, Puff! Can you stop being so busy for a minute and maybe just sit quietly? And put that Mystery Egg down, too, while you're at it.

I have a whole lot of questions, so maybe you could stop running, climbing, crawling and eating out of hands (not my hands, thank you very much) and answer them:

1. What exactly are you supposed to be? Clearly you are not a dragon. Are you a tadpole or perhaps a sardine with delusions of grandeur?

2. How are you supposed to run around when you have a fish tail and no legs?

3. Why do you feel the need to assure people that you are "harmless"? Denying something merely puts the idea in people's heads, you know. Same goes for "clean" and "easily trained." Am uneasy about all three of these things. Please advise.

4. What sort of food supply are we talking about? What happens when this runs out? Can you eat a sandwich or some cookies then?

5. The plasticity of the egg implies that you did not hatch from it, but have chosen it as a vehicle or home. Why is that? Why would anyone want to live and travel in a plastic egg? Is this the Magic Dragon equivalent of the Silver Lark trailer?

6. How do you plan on amusing my friends and family? Do you have a standup routine? Can I see a preview of your act? Or are you just planning on running around the house aimlessly? If so, believe me, we already have someone here who can do that:

Watch me RUN! to check things on the stove and answer the phone and then back to my desk!

And CLIMB! the stairs again and again with laundry and things that wandered downstairs but in actual fact belong UPstairs!

And CRAWL! under the kitchen table wiping up spills!

What I'm saying, Puff, is that I really can't make a commitment to your incredible offer right now. I cannot rush you money for one Mystery Egg and occupant, never mind a pair of them (ugh). Although I am glad that there are "no cods"* involved: they don't tend to travel well, and I really doubt that they could run around the house playing and having fun all day.

Now, if you do laundry or know how to get things out from under the couch without having to move all the furniture - then we'll talk.

Comic book advertisement from 1971 (from my very own collection, which stands at a grand total of one!)

* I know, they mean Cash On Delivery. They should have capitalized it if they didn't want me to make a lame joke.

A New and Annoying Hobby

Take a gander at this lamp, honey!

It's lovely, darling. I...what exactly am I supposed to be noticing?

Well, gosh, honey, I just fixed this lamp with Kester Cored, that's all. Thought you'd be a little more excited. Supportive.

What's Kester Cord, darling? Is it string?

Kester Cored, with an 'e.' It's...like glue. I think. Fixing this here lamp makes feel like a new man! Don't you think this is amazing?

Yes, darling. It's lovely. Now please - put it down. I don't want it right up in my face.You're scaring me with that thing.

Aw, come on, take it! Look at the wiring. And the lampshade. It's the one I was wearing last New Year's Eve, remember?

Well, it's just that I need a little space, darling. I'm wearing high heels and I'm a few seconds away from falling on my keister.

Why, ha ha, that's exactly what happened to the lamp! Lucky for you we have Kester Cored, dear.

[Here comes the punchline, everybody duck!]

Or should I say, Keister Cored!

Rage Before Beauty

Mirror, mirror, on the wall
Who's the flakiest one of all?

It's Monday morning, so it is time once again to "take a look in your morning mirror" and see if you have dry skin. Is your face an alluring magnet or is it the face of a lumberjack with a complexion flakier than a French pastry?

You'd just better hope not, because dry skin is what "makes 3 out of 4 women unhappy." Well? Are you dehydrated and unhappy? If you are, you may expect your husband to phone you later and say "I won't be home tonight!"

But you will know what to do, if such is the case. As soon as you get the Dreaded Phone Call, simply put on your finest cocktail attire complete with big hat. And don't forget to grab that axe on the way out the door. Then head for the nearest telephone pole and start chopping!

Oh, and then go home and wash your face with Beauty in the Morning.

You know, maybe he won't be home tonight because he's afraid of her - smiling like that and holding a large axe. I don't think soap is really the issue here, do you? And now that I think of it, let's make sure we hide the Bee Hive Syrup from this lady, OK?


Thank you Ad Access for this strange gem from 1948 .

Hey Mindy!

Hey, Mindy you're so fine
Heading that receiving line
Hey Mindy!
You've got zits but we don't mind,
Hey Mindy!

This is a little story about - well, Mindy, who looks like Veronica's slightly retro-goth cousin. She is having a Tea Dance for her eighteenth birthday. Her dad explains that this has to happen so that people know Mindy "is eligible for invitations."

Um, OK. What sort of invitations are we talking about? You can see that Mindy looks a little skeptical. Still, it's fine with her. She even suggests that they advertise.

That's a fine way for a fancy debutante to behave. Pimples are the least of this family's problems.

Speaking of which - isn't it a little strange that Mindy does not complain of pimples, nor does she ever seem to have any. Furthermore, she doesn't advocate the use of, or be aware in the slightest degree, of Poslam Ointment (which contains "all 9 ingredients," whatever that means) or Poslam Soap (you're supposed to buy their soap, too).

Also puzzling: Who is shouting out the title of the ad? Her boyfriend from the wrong side of the tracks? Archie Andrews? The jealous mean girls from school? A tube of Poslam Ointment?

Meanwhile, Mindy is standing around at the Tea Dance "in typical debutante fashion shaking hands with friends and acknowledging introductions to strangers." Whoa there! Just how many strangers did her parents invite? Or maybe they are party crashers! In which case why is she acknowledging them? She ought to be checking their jacket pockets and counting the sterling silver teaspoons.

Why would every single person give her a bouquet? That's going to get old pretty quickly. She ought to have asked for a few other things. Maybe a transistor radio or some candy. Or some more silver teaspoons.

And if I was Mindy I wouldn't like people all making a "complimentary remark pertaining to [my] gown." Talk to the face, not the dress! Gee, maybe she really does have pimples after all. Mindy ought to check in that mountain of bouquets and see if anyone stuck a gift-wrapped tube of Poslam in any of them.

A thousand thanks to Comic Book Ads for this dramatic little story.

Your Dog Knows Best

Actually, I think they should ask the dog. He is really cute and he looks like he knows a thing or two.

That little girl is asking his advice for sure. And it looks like the dog is telling her, too:

"Frankly, I would advise against nose drops, they look icky. But howsabout a nice chew toy, or a bone! That makes me feel really good!"

And as far as dosing your cold goes - mother dear is going right ahead, doctor's advice or not. She looks very mellow too, does she not?

Also: if she is checking the little girl for a cold in the first picture, why is she the one taking the Vicks?

I think the dog really needs to step in here and sort things out.

From Wikimedia Commons.

Toys That Talk Back

I really, really do not like noisy toys. And they do not like me.

For example, many years ago a Talking Elmo made its devious way into our house. I demanded that it have a voiceboxectomy immediately, and as soon as the novelty wore off, Elmo moved into a little studio apartment known as the back of the hall closet.* There's enough ambient noise to go around in regular family life without the toys getting in on it.

So this little ad from 1960 caught my eye the way an annoying bit of fluff on the carpet might. Or a spilled bottle of Elmer''s Glue (suspiciously close to sounding like Elmo's Glue - I wouldn't put it past him, either).

It is not clear how long the giant loudmouth blocks would last, being squeezed regularly, seeing that they are made of cardboard.

That's probably just as well. Because they don't just talk, they talk back:

MEOW! You can't make me!
SQUEAK! Yeah, says who?
BARK! I don't have to listen to you!

Even Elmo wouldn't go that far. I think.

*He moved out some time ago and we've lost touch. I trust he's doing all right. We stuck his voice box back in before he headed out, just in case it was wanted.

The Walking Paint Box

Dick (the anti-hero of the ad at the left) is upset about Misfit Makeup, and the fact that his date likes to slather it on with a small trowel.

She might do better to slather some of it on him - over his mouth would be good. He'd just look so much better if he didn't talk.

Dick: Take that walking paint box? Not me - I'll stay home first.

Well, that would solve a lot of problems right there. Why don't you stay home? That's a great idea. Because you, sir, are a Walking Rage Ball. And no amount of Richard Hudnut's Marvelous Eye-Matched Makeup is going to solve that problem.

"Helpful" Friend: It isn't you Dick doesn't like...it's your conspicuous makeup.

And, you see, Hudnut's makeup is matched to your eye color, which in turn matches your personality. All the personalities sound like china plate patterns: Dresden, Patrician, Parisian and Continental. *

But as Merle Oberon says, you can find "new friends" and "new fun" if you dip into the Hudnut paint box. And that is just what this woman needs, doesn't she?

Especially the new friends.

*Note: If you have green eyes, like me, tough luck! You have absolutely no personality!

Advertisement (1938) from Ad Access.

Your Holiday Dreams Not Necessarily Included

Today I have got more fabulous retro trailers for you. Which one do you like best?

I think I would go for the Silver Lark since I am not good at assembling things. Also the Silver Lark promises to make my holiday dreams come true!

Wow, so that means no cooking, no dishes and no handwashing socks in a little sink, right? And no bugs. And me reclining in an Adirondack chair reading mystery novels while everyone else does the barbecuing (and sock-washing). Oh, and also a magically self-refilling glass of iced tea which changes over to something more festive (sangria, perhaps) at sunset. I assume that the glass comes with the trailer.

A Silver Lark it is, then.

The other issue for me with the Chris-Craft is having to put the thing together, which smacks too much of Christmas morning and large toys with thousands of parts. Also of post-IKEA headaches. How do you put together all those things that have names like Pozzling and Flippen Madd, armed only with funny little line drawings and several thousand tiny bolts?

Oh, they say it is EASY to put the Chris-Craft together. But the fact that they capitalize EASY makes me think they are overcompensating a little there. Plus they say I will be hunting and fishing IN the trailer. That sounds like hard work right there. And I doubt very much that there is room for a dinette, kitchenette and a double bed. That doesn't leave much room for hunting or fishing. So, thanks - but no thanks.

Not unless Chris could come over and put up the trailer. It is his Craft, after all.

The Silver Lark ad is from Holiday, July 1947.
And the Chris-Craft ad (Life, 1954) is from the Gallery of Graphic Design - not sure under whose aegis this is, but I hope they don't mind.

A Volto From the Blue

It's just another day in 1945, in the "timberlands of the great Northwest." And then this guy from Mars just shows up right in the middle of the pine forest. Name's Volto. Just thought he'd drop in and say hi.

Hi, how's life on Mars? Oh, not too bad. How's it going here in the timberlands? It's peachy, all right. Lots of timber, lots of land!

And also lots of interesting fashion choices. Volto seems to have stolen Superman's extra leotard as well as Little Red Riding Hood's trademark headgear. And the forest ranger is wearing a bright yellow shirt teamed with lavender pants and a matching hat.

It's what they're wearing this spring in the national parks - now at all participating department stores.

So much for fashion... now it's time to cue the forest fire. Jimmy (some kid who's hanging around, I don't know why) was probably smoking a cheroot behind a pine tree and wasn't listening to Smokey the Bear - hey, where is Smokey the Bear, anyway? That's a little suspicious. OK, make a note of that. We'll try and bring him in for questioning later.

Anyway, a burning tree is about to fall on Jimmy's head but Volto uses his magnetic hands to move the tree away. One hand attracts stuff, the other repels. That really could be very useful. Think how much cleaning you could get done. Or at least you could shove things under beds and into closets really fast if unexpected company dropped by. Maybe Volto could drop by my house later and do some decluttering.

I'd better make sure there's plenty of cereal on hand, though. Because after Volto saves the day, he likes a little snack. You know how that is. First comes the adrenalin rush, next thing you know you're hungry. Especially for "the dandiest whole-grain cereal on earth," Grape Nut Flakes.

And Volto likes it - he really likes it! He even wants to take some back to Mars. To which Jimmy says, philosophically, we can't be magnetic like him but we sure can get energy from Grape Nut Flakes - the cereal with neither grapes nor nuts. No magnets, either. OK, I'm sold. I'm giving up on Cocoa Krispies and making the switch!

How about you? What were your favorite cereals as a kid? Please do tell.

[Advertisement from November 1945 edition of the comic book Black Terror, found on Wikimedia. It's a little bigger over there if you want the full thrilling read. I didn't make it bigger here because otherwise it will take my blog so much time to load, you could go out to the store and buy Grape Nut Flakes, and come back and eat a bowlful, before it finally loaded up. And that's no fun! ]

Never Too Young For Pressure

1. Yes, you can be too young for curls. Unless you were born with them.

2. And yes it is too a home permanent.

3. Brush in means slather on, doesn't it? This is similar to men's hair dye ads where the guy "combs in" the "natural color."

4. That mother has got a hidden agenda. Just look at those eyebrows! She's gunning for a movie career for Miss Shirley Temple of 1959.

5. Putting loads of curling gunk in a kid's hair does not keep it "clean and healthy."

6. Parents Magazine "commended" this stuff - but isn't that different than "recommending"?

Commending = "Oh, that looks nice."
Recommending = "You really ought to use it."

7. "Thousands of mothers" used this? Probably not.

8. The kid seems to be sporting a faux mullet. But I guess the tag line "Brush In Beautiful Faux Mullet" would not sound that good.

9. "Used successfully for over 40 years" for making children feel inadequate and insecure at the earliest possible age, and ready for a future of looking to beauty products to correct things that are fine just as they are.

Cottage Cheese Haiku

Cottage cheese in spring:
White as the clouds up above -
Curds in a blue dish.

Oh happy taste thrill -
The family gathers near
A giant plateful.

Is this the apex
Of their culinary life -
These little bland curds?

Perky little heads
Ecstatic over dinner
Wave spoons together

As if cottage cheese
Was some kind of rock legend
And playing their song.

[Advertisement from the Windsor Star (Windsor, Ontario), 1959]

You Don't Need A Weatherman

"You don't need a weatherman* to know which way the wind blows," Bob Dylan sings in "Subterranean Homesick Blues."

Indeed not. In fact, I'm thinking that Bob actually had one of these things over there on the left. There, that explains the song in a whole new way, doesn't it?

Now, "outguessing the weatherman" is really not on my list of Exciting and Fulfilling things to do on any given day (I can't speak for Bob Dylan, of course).

Having said that, I do like this 1949 Swiss Weather House. Because I'm trying to imagine how it predicts the weather a day in advance. I'm assuming that the little Swiss people come out and - tell you stuff:

"It's going to rain tomorrow. For sure."

And then the other door opens and the other one goes, "Oh, listen to the big expert! Like you've ever been outside! You're a little wooden guy sitting in a box all day. It'll be sunny and hot, that's what I'm thinking."

"Oh, like you don't sit in a box all day. At least I look out the window occasionally. I say cold and rainy."

"Yeah, right. Don't listen to him."

Then the third one, the mediator of the bunch, comes out and says, "Well, maybe you're both right. After all, we're just some little guys in a birdhouse. We're just faking it in here, really. Outguessing the weatherman is still guessing, you know...So let's just go with: warm and sunny, getting colder with a chance of rain. Possibly. We don't really know."

Just like real weathermen.

And if that's not enough to send you on your way feeling on top of things, you also get a Good Luck Leaf** that grows into a bizarre organism of some kind. And it lives on air alone. It's the supermodel of the plant world. But you only get this if you are prompt in sending in your order. Oh, and money. Send that money! Today! Right now, in fact. If you run to the mailbox now you can avoid the rain. The clock people said so.

Ad from Wikimedia.

* Yes, as in the 60s radicals the Weathermen, not the guys on TV with helmet hair and pointers. Actually they got their name from Dylan's song and not the other way around.

**Insert 60s marijuana joke here.

******
Note from the Department of Fruit Salts:

A thousand thanks to Bill of Life On Planet Bill for spotting this incredible recipe for rice cakes using - yay, Eno's Fruit Salt! Who would've thunk it? Wikipedia says that people actually do use it as a substitute for baking powder, though. Yum.

The Eno's ad on the right is from the Royal Pharmaceutical Society of Britain site, where there is a nice page about James Crossley Eno, the fellow we have to thank for all this bounty of medicinal goodness, not to mention cakes.

I checked and I am pretty sure they won't mind me using it. If they do I will yank it right off the post as per Kitchen Retro policy. Which is to say I will try my best to find and ask anyone about whether I can use an ad. If I can't find a contact I go ahead if I think it is all right, linking away of course. So far everyone seems OK with this.

And if all this has whetted your reading appetite for salt, you can get another dose or two here:

Before and After Fruit Salt
Inner Saltiness
Mother Always Uses Andrews Liver Salt (which explains a great deal...)
Before and After Fruit Salt

A Musical Horoscope

Well, I was writing about a Victorian fortune-teller over at my other blog. The link's over there on the right under 'My Other Blog' - boy, what a surprise, huh? I'm too lazy to hyperlink this morning - hyper is not possible in any way shape or form this morning! So when I saw this in my files I thought: oh, that's good.

And it is. This here will tell you your musical fortune. Do you have a future in music? Are you going to be a big recording star like Benny Goodman? Well, probably not, but send in some money anyway.

So what if you don''t play an instrument or sing. You should! And Kenneth F. Rogers will tell you just what you should be tooting on. The stars have been talking about you and your musical talents! And Kenneth has been listening in. He'll tell you what they say.

I don't know why E. Nugent is taking your money, if Kenneth is telling you what to do. Another mystery for the stars to solve!

And wouldn't it be just so great if the horoscope was presented in song as well? The stars ought to sing your future, and maybe tap dance a little too. I'm sure they do that for all the "important people."


From Song Hits, 1942 (you know, that old magazine I found in a bunch of sheet music in a secondhand store not long ago).

And The Prune Be Still As Bright

I don't believe we've had a post about prunes in some time, on Kitchen Retro. Or a weird retro recipe. Oh, or a YouTube clip! All of which means you are in for a treat today!

Last night I was watching retro commercials on YouTube and I found this gem from the 1960s. It's about life in the far-off, far-out year 2001, starring Ray Bradbury and a box of prunes:



And how about this inspiring prune recipe, from the Culinary Arts Institute Encyclopedic Cookbook's 1964 edition? Even Ray Bradbury will be impressed! And then after lunch he can go home and write a science fiction story, inspired by your amazing sandwiches. For example, that story in The Martian Chronicles, "And the Moon Be Still As Bright" - no, no, no! Not the moon! The prune. That's what 2001 was looking like back in 1964: living rooms like giant lightboxes, TVs the size of Times Square billboards - and prunes. Many, many prunes.

For more prunerific fun you might like to click on over to:
Santa Clara Salad and Prince Albert in the Basin.

Strange Roads

If I'm going to be going down some strange roads - I definitely want to be my own boss. That goes without saying!

And naturally, I would like to have one of these Cabin Cars in my wake, when I do. They look really cool, actually. Though I am not sure that they have as much space in them as this ad would like to suggest.

"Plenty of room for cooking, eating, lounging" - Um, what? I see the girl lounging (or posing) in there all right. But cooking? Only if you define cooking as "opening that box of Ritz crackers we brought and aiming a can of Cheez Whiz at some of them."

"Clothes and utility storage galore." Oh, right. That little night table with drawers thingie to the right of the girl? Which holds a few pairs of socks and a flashlight? I don't think so!

And how soft IS that "soft double bed"? Marshmallows and Wonder Bread should be soft, but you don't want to sleep on a mattress made out of them.

One more thing. If this Cabin Car is really that light, how safe is it to be careening up hills as it wobbles behind your Buick? If you truly are going to have "the best fun of your life" you need something a little more substantial than a big sardine tin turned sideways. Especially once you head down a really strange road.

Advertisement from Holiday, July 1947.

Look Deep Into My Bow Tie's Eyes

So here's a colorful ad, as promised. We're revisiting that light-up bow tie that I wrote about awhile back, mainly because this is such a sensational image. This is one "swanky, smart, richly-patterned bow tie" that will help turn you into the Casanova of your social club.

I mean, just look at all those teensy lovesick ladies! They really are absolutely transfixed by an electric bow-tie. They are, in a word, wowed.

And that tie is at least four times bigger than their heads, for starters. And it appears to have yellow eyes like Maurice Sendak's Wild Things.

So now you've wowed the women - where are all your new friends? Oh, there they are, down at the bottom, frantic with excitement. They can hardly believe their good luck, meeting someone who owns a tie like this. Or rather, meeting a tie that owns someone like you.

Speaking of whom...This tie makes you look like a shadow of your former self - a tabula rasa of a guy, blank except for strange printing on your head, some of which protrudes from your forehead.

That bow tie has sucked all the energy out of you. What a laugh riot! And then the tie comes alive. It will indeed "surprise them all"! Look deep into its yellow eyes, and feel a great, somewhat confusing happiness wash over you.

This is from a 1947 Punch and Judy comic book and it was over at Wikimedia Commons.

Rained-On Wedding Cake Face

Just when we'd all thought we had it figured out, there's something else to worry about. If you're not worrying, they can't sell you anything, right? Well, let the folks at Spencer Corsets tell you a thing or two.

It isn't enough to worry, you see. You have to worry about the right thing! Suppose, for example, you are the lady in this Spencer Corset ad. You have been wasting your time and energy worrying about sagging face lines - and in the process of worrying, have been creating more and more lines. It's a vicious circle all right. Fret enough about wrinkles and you will soon look just like W.H. Auden, the poet who once likened his own face to a wedding cake left out in the rain.*

But your face isn't the trouble. The wrinkles are being caused by your saggy figure lines! Now don't you feel attractive? Clever, too. Oh, yes, it's Monday every day when you are floppy as a bag of gravel.

Spencer's fortunately has some "intelligent women" who can fit you for a girdle and make a study of your figure, which you must do right now without delay. "Stop experimenting!" they cry. Stop it right now, ladies. Using elastic bandages as waist cinchers and slapping on mud-pie mudpacks just isn't good for you.

In the coupon below Anne Spencer is kind enough to point out some specific flaws you might have: Bulging Hips, Bulging Abdomen, or even Lordosis Backline (which means swayback or saddle back). Just in case you were feeling OK about yourself today!

But never mind. Just stick on a Spencer's Corset and see how fast you perk up and your face gets smooth and maybe you will even be able to write a few poems, too.

This slightly off-center, indeed lordotic (hah!) scan is from Ladies' Home Journal, January 1936. Tomorrow I'll have a nice multi-colored advertisement that won't look as if it needed an editing version of the Spencer Corset.

More Spencerian tragedy over at The Corsetiere - that Anne Spencer loved talking about lordosis. And here's a Spencer ad on eBay - behind your back, you see, they're talking about your lousy back!

* Clearly, Auden didn't see this ad.

Hope Springs Eternol

Hey, Happy Mother's Day!

Here, in honor of the occasion, is a charming anecdotal moment from a 1942 ad. Clearly this woman is thrilled about her teenage son thinking she is the youngest-looking mother in town. Well, she is a plastic head, that explains some of it. But it's not her face we're supposed to admire, but her hair. The hair is what makes all the difference.

That's because she knows she owes it all to Eternol, the Tint Oil Shampoo. You got your hair dye, your oil, and your shampoo all in one bottle. Oh, and you also need a "beauty operator" to put it on your head. Don't try this at home, kids.

I like the caution at the bottom: "Use only as directed on label." They must think women are going to get terribly confused and make salad dressing with it or something.

Advertisement from Ad Access.

The Wind Machine

This car is entirely powered by a "motorized fan in a box," according to the article linked below. That's it - no gears, no engine, nothing else but a fan.

The guy on the right seems to have forgotten to remove the building plans from where they got stuck to the side of the car. And there's no seat belt. And it sort of looks like a big plastic soap dish.

The perfect travel snack would of course be an Aero Bar, only they are not easy to find in the US. They are British I think, and you can get them in Canada because we like British chocolate a lot.

Here's a link to an article about the Aeromobile from Popular Science, August 1961. This ad is from the same magazine in August 1960.

Has anyone ever heard of someone building and using one of these? Have any of you gone for a ride in an Aeromobile? Please tell us!

The Princess of Hair Nets

Last week I was lucky enough to find an old Gordon Mackay catalogue (Spring-Summer 1958). Gordon Mackay was a Canadian chain of stores founded as a dry goods establishment in 1853, and branching out into everything else by the 1950s, from the look of what is on offer.

I love old catalogues and wish I had saved the ones that I used to pore over back in the early 70s. For example, a bakers' commercial-supply place sent my mother a catalogue around 1972, for some reason (she was not a commercial baker and we lived in an apartment, so I have no idea why she got on their mailing list). It was quite bizarre and enthralling. As were the clothing, gift and useless-gadget catalogues that regularly appeared in the mail.

Anyway, Gordon Mackay. Loads of stuff in this catalogue, everything from clothing to housewares and beauty items and appliances. Half the things appeal to me in a retro, wish-I-could-find-this-secondhand way, and the other half make me shudder and/or laugh.

Here's a little something I found for us to ponder today: Princess Pat and her line of hairnets.

Princess Pat Cosmetics, which were available from about the 1930s on, were probably named for Princess Patricia of Connaught (1886-1974), granddaughter of Queen Victoria. She was the Colonel-in-Chief of the Canadian Princess Patricia's Light Infantry (established 1918), as well. That is her just below. She does not appear to be wearing any sort of hair net, though.

And that brings us back to - hair nets. And the Gordon Mackay catalogue ad...

Pat (the cosmetics firm, I mean) uses real human hair, which startled me. And some of it is Mauve! I understand all the other colors but where is she getting mauve hair from? I would like to know. I would have thought that a hairnet made out of human hair would be disturbing. I guess Pat also had some second thoughts because there are nylons ones too.

You can only get Mauve if you are using the net to sleep in, though. The Slumber Net. Doesn't that sound like a bad horror movie? See Mary Lou fight insomnia, only to be pulled at last into the whirling terrors of - The Slumber Net!

Vanity Treasures has some vintage Princess Pat hair nets for sale, if this interests you. And Princess Pat had a whole cosmetics racket, as you can see here, where there are some cool old labels for same.

The Vintage Powder Room has a terrific post on Princess Pat, too.

The picture of Princess Patricia is from Wikimedia Commons. There are loads of Princess Pat tins and labels on Google Images but I never know if it is all right to use images off of, say, eBay. So I didn't. The Princess Pat cosmetics folks liked the color red, I can tell you that at least.

Talon Scouts

Where to begin?

There is so much going on in this trouser-fastener ad. And right there we're already in trouble, talking about trouser-fasteners.

1. To whom do we attribute that eloquent come-on "How about it, Mister?" The unseen advertising narrator? The guy on the left, perhaps, who seems to be checking out the guy in the middle? The spooky girl? The dog? The unseen hamburger guy?

2. Probably not the girl on the right, she is really not impressed. Why is she just standing there, not moving?

3. And what about the Scotty dog? Maybe he just needs a walk. How about it, Mister? Grab that poop bag and let's go! Oh, I'll bet that's it.

4. The Talon fastener people want to know if you are going to "take chances with trouser fasteners you can't count on" - um, that is really not their business, is it? I mean, what kind of question IS that?

5. And what kind of a name is Talon? Are the fasteners made from eagles' claws?

6. And the feather in the middle guy's hat? That's no good. Not outside of Sherwood Forest, please.

7. The girl is the really strange part of this, though. She looks like a zombie right around the eyes. Maybe this is going to turn into a horror movie. Those guys do not look all that brainy, and they might end up following her into some netherworld of darkness where even the best trouser fastener cannot save you.

This 1930s-40s ad is from the New York Public Library Digital Gallery.

Zitty On The Inside

...And also on the outside, of course. At least you don't have to give up sweets! That's a relief, sister, isn't it?

But (and there's always one of those, is there not?)... But - in order to keep chomping down on chocolate creams and ice cream sodas with the gang down at the Chocklit Shop, you do have to endure a few things:

1. You have to hold a bizarre, lifelike mask of your pimply, unhappy face near your head at all times.

2. You have to take Acnotabs, which although they are supposed to be safe - who knows? The name evokes images of astronauts and acrobats. First they make your pimples ricochet off your skin and then your head takes off for Jupiter.

3. And finally: you are left with the incredibly disturbing idea that you have pimples on the inside of your body. They're in there, you just can't see them. And you never know when they will start emerging!

Good to know you have Acnotabs on your side. I think.

Many thanks to Uh...Bob at Flickr for the advertisement, from Teen magazine, October 1951.

The Soap Star

Excuse me, do I know you? Are you talking to me? Oh...I guess you are.

[Lady, please. The train is packed and it's hot and I can't move and I'm late for work...Please please don't start talking to me - oh, fine. Fine! Here we go!]

So... you married a madman. Got that. And you suspect that he is disturbed because he phones you from the office "just to say sweet nonsensical things."

Could you give me an example of these things? Does he speak in gibberish? Does he yodel? Imitate Bogart or possibly Alvin Chipmunk?

[That might be kind of fun, actually..]

And then, you say, he takes your hand in public and - does what? Oh, he tells you your hand is smooth - in "our private baby talk." Uh huh.

[Oh, wait a minute! I get it! You are bragging about this. And you attribute this complex, deep, incredible relationship to - to Ivory Soap. When oh when is the train going to get to my stop? I can't get away from this woman!]

Huh. Ivory Soap. Velvet suds, and it floats. Wow, that is amazing. And your husband - isn't he something. You are really lucky! And not only that, but you look exactly like Shelley Winters, did he ever mention that?*

No? Well, he probably hasn't got a good look at your face yet. He's still working the soft-hands angle. He may even think you're someone else altogether. Maybe he thinks you really are Shelley Winters.

Oh, that's my stop! It's been fun. No really, I have to go. Yes, you have wonderfully smooth hands! Yes! All right! Yes!

[And she says her husband's mad. Look who's talking!]

*It's possible that Shelley Winters actually did model for this ad. But I don't know. What do you think?

A thousand thanks to Heather for the ad! Photo of Shelley Winters from Life, 1949.

Retro Guitar Heroes

Playing the guitar can be quite the career move, as these ads prove conclusively.

Note the sequence of happiness that awaits you: first you will have fun! Because that's what you want, yes? You want fun and you are going to get it all right. You will not be surprised to learn that this is a short-cut method, you will be playing pretty much immediately, and there are no tiresome scales or any old-fashioned hard work. Yippee for that! Even the large starfish-on-a-stick groupie in your future publicity photo agrees.*

Well - after amazing yourself and your friends with your guitar playing, you will gain popularity! You will play on the radio and rake in money teaching other people, even though you have barely learned a few chords! And if you want to learn Spanish guitar as opposed to Hawaiian, the Oahu School of Music can oblige - somehow. Perhaps one of them went to Spain on holiday once. Or even Hawaii. Seeing as how they are actually located in Cleveland, Ohio. Not Cleveland, Oahu!

But they are not quite so versatile as Norm Scott, the Singing Stockman.

Norm can (and will) teach you a whole passel of fancy musical tricks. Not just Hillbilly Guitar, enticing as that may be - but also Hawaiian Steel Guitar and Spanish Guitar (take that, Oahu School of Music!) plus Ukelele and Mandolin! **

Now, Norm (like his faux-Hawaiian rivals) promises that you will be popular and playing on the radio very, very soon. Probably in about 30 minutes, by which time you will know one tune. Fame and fortune are just around the corner. Or just past the campfire (turn right at the bag of marshmallows).

But he adds that his course is so easy that even the "smallest buckaroo" can handle the workload. Plus it will change your whole life through the magic of real hillbilly music! Even if the hillbillies are playing ukeleles! And that's some kind of magic, right there.

Top that if you can, Ohio/Oahu School of Music.

*It is a palm tree, I know. I know.

**If you learn to play them all, you can form a one-man band. Well, if you were an octopus, you could (there may be an opportunity to grow additional arms in some other ad, in which case I'll be sure to let you know).

Many thanks to Amy at the wonderful I Love Retro Things for the Hillbilly Guitar ad. The other ad is from Song Hits magazine, February 1942.

The Birdbrain

It's a brilliant new season for clothing, all right.

You can look Radiant In Red. Your Greens will be Becoming. You will look your Best in Blue. And of course you will wear Browns Smartly. Because you have Elizabeth Arden foundation all over your face.

"Elizabeth has been working with all the important new colors," you see. Red, green, blue and brown - all new! Even though it sounds like Elizabeth's working with a little box of Crayolas, the kind where there are only about 8 in the package.

Next season she might get to Black, White, Yellow, Orange and Purple! That ought to be interesting.

But no matter how marvelous and new the colors are - and how fantabulous the makeup - brilliance is not imparted to the fashion model we see before us.

Because apparently she doesn't notice that there's a large white bird perched on her forehead.

Advertisement from 1936, from Ad Access.

Diving For Dollars

When you need a break from the fun of listening to a recorded horse race and pretending you are at the track, you might like to try this. Because this is one of the greatest opportunities of our time. Really, it is. You can make big money. A fortune, probably! And you can make it fast, too - in fact, you'd already be rich if only you'd sent in the coupon over there.

You will become a professional diver. Yes, you - even if you live and work in the desert! Even if you don't have one of the Great Lakes or an ocean handy. Because - and this really is the best part: you can train at home, in your spare time!

I can't tell you how much I wish I could send for this FREE booklet. Not because I want to be a diver. I just want E.R. Cross, World Famous Master Diver, to explain how someone can train themselves to be a deep-sea diver - in their spare time, inside the house.

Advertisement from Popular Science magazine, September 1960. Lame punning title from the old game show Dialing For Dollars.

The Amazing Recorded Race

Just look at the fun we could have had at parties if we'd been around in the late 1940s - and had access to this fabulous novelty record.

You can pretend you are at the races, you see. And it will be thrilling precisely because the record is so cleverly done that you can't tell which horse is winning!

Even though the whole point of a racing event is...well, going to the racetrack and watching it. But we're just going to crank up the partying fun and sit here in the living room and - listen. And when we're done, we can play it again. And again.

Doesn't that sound fun?

Wait...wait! Come back! This has all the thrills and sound effects of BIG-TIME racing! There's a scoring sheet too, we can even take bets...

And - they're off! Guests, family, friends, neighbors...Let's see who can run home the fastest! Hey, this is fun.