The Dancing Bellboy

Hard to believe that the manufacturers in Fargo, North Dakota really thought that this Dancing Bellboy was "your chance to 'MAKE IT' in 1951." Note that "MAKE IT" is in quotation marks. They're covering themselves. They know that the road to fame and fortune is not likely to be populated with little Dancing Bellboy toys.

The C.A.M. Distributing Company (which was short, no doubt, for Creepy And Misbegotten) made this horrid little thing. They thought that it "looks ALIVE...acts ALIVE."

Everyone else was thinking: cheap marionette, jiggling on a table.

How was this supposed to be educational? What would it teach you? How to carry luggage? How to demand tips? Not really. Or how to dance jerkily on top of a table? Possibly. But this is not something that one needs to know to succeed in life.

In fact, if you really want to "MAKE IT," perhaps you do not want to emulate the Dancing Bellboy. Maybe, like George Costanza, you should do the opposite!

So: Not Entertaining! Not Educational! It was New, though. They got that bit right, at least.

From Billboard, March 21, 1951.

A Lion Is Forever

A man in silly oversized goggles and a karate uniform
is my love, apparently.
Red in the face and all too sure of himself.
And now he's going to make me ride
On a motorcycle that spews
Orange clouds of exhaust which,
However groovy the graphic style
Still look bad for the air.

Also the wheels on his motorcycle
Have been cut in half
So we probably won't be emulating Easy Rider
Any time soon.
We are stuck here, as a matter of fact
Not far out at all.

But most of all
I keep thinking:
Why is there a huge wild animal
Hanging out in the sidecar?
And just because Orange Dude
Gave me a big old diamond
Does that mean I also promised
To travel around with a lion?



From the University of Virginia American Studies digital collection (and thank you to them, of course), link here.

Aldora the Explorer

This woman is not on the go, not really.

The stick figures are not all that energetic either. It's about all they can do to pose with luggage or walk past a counter holding a clutch bag.

So unless Aldora can show me someone running a 5k in July, or doing a week's grocery shopping with a small child hanging off one of her legs saying "Mommy, I want cookieeeess!" at the same time as she is pushing one of those carts with one stuck wheel (causing it to make sharp unexpected turns into displays of stacked cans) - I will not be convinced of its efficacy.

And I don't think the woman in the ad is really convinced.

Having said that, she isn't convinced about the running or the groceries, either.

Thank you Hairfinder for finding this retro hair ad! They say it is of 1960s vintage, I am thinking it's from the first half of the decade.

Magical Mystery Meal

Her: Darling, what is this doing here?

Him: Well, sugar - I thought...I thought you might know. I don't even really know what it is.

Her: Do you think the cook made this? Is this supposed to be - dinner? And why is it right in front of me? I can hardly open my eyes up to get a good look at it.

Him: Maybe that fifth coat of mascara was a mistake.

Her: Maybe you should come here and deal with this instead of hiding behind me. It's only something strange in a bowl. Just like lots of meals around here! But - what is it?

Him: You know I don't deal with anything in the kitchen, my little overly-made-up pumpkin. I just show up at the table, clutching my jacket and looking like I just ate a lemon on a cocktail stick. Why you serve lemons for a snack with our martinis I'll never know.

Her: To prepare you for the delicious main course, evidently. Darling.

The Bowl: This is Stouffer's Frozen Creamed Chicken.

Him: Good Lord, that - thing is talking to us!

Her: At least we know what it is now.

The Bowl: You Taste A Priceless Difference! That's what the tagline says, right under me. See it?

Her: Priceless difference indeed! I'm just going to pick up this spoon to defend myself.

Him: I'll be down at the club, I think. I'll just grab something to eat there.

The Bowl: Hey lady, I like what you're wearing. It's the same color as my packaging. Just one suggestion, though. The mascara -

Her: I know, I know. Too much.

The Bowl: Yeah, it's a little over the top. Just like the Stouffer's I've got going on. I think I might go change. Maybe you could put down the spoon and get me a martini for when I get back. And hold the lemons, please.

[I found this 1962 ad over at TJS Labs Graphic Design, for which I thank then very much.]

A Lovely Swank Tie

Different and glorious
Truly uproarious
Lovely swank wrinkle-proof tie

Amaze all your friends
With the means and the ends
Of your quest to become a cool guy.

Amazing, spectacular
Glowing vernacular
Questioning yes no or maybe:

You're a guy who thinks girls
Adore glow-in-dark churls
And appreciate being called "baby."

This tie is so bold
Leaping into the fold
Of what guys think no girl can resist:

Glowing letters appear
But the "me" is unclear:
Is the guy or the tie to be kissed?

Either way, it's a No.
Any girl will say so,
But here is some wonderful news:

The most tacky of ties
Distracts even sharp eyes
From the hideous state of your shoes.

Another fabulous find from Chicago, Popular Science, March 1945.

In The Doghouse

Once more, here is the tragic story of someone who isn't using the right soap, or in this case, the right toothpaste - and thereby puts his or her entire social life in jeopardy.

Sometimes that's just an excuse though. Because a lack of Colgate is not the only problem with Not So Hot Dan (the Non Mustard Man*). How does he fall short?

- Well, the dog says that Dan "pulled a boner." Ahem. All right then. Back in the day, this was slang for "made a mistake." But still.

-Stuffing oneself into a doghouse is also a mistake. This has nothing to do with dental hygiene.

-Taking advice from a bossy child named Cookie.

-Oh, and from the 1957 version of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

-And finally, for not brushing his teeth in the first place.

-And for wearing a silly yet boring red bow tie. Boring because it does absolutely nothing! Tomorrow I'll show him (and you) the sort of tie he ought to be wearing. After he goes out and buys some Colgate, of course.

This delightful comic strip ad dates from 1957 and comes from the equally delightful Medicine and Madison Avenue collection. You can see it clearly over there, sorry about that. I've been trying to get it to scan better but as you see, not with a huge amount of success.

* My dear pal Heather sent me another Hot Dan ad and it is fabulous! I am working on writing something worthy of it. It is really excellent.

Some Like It Fake

Some like pie
Some like cake
And some like cherries
That are startlingly fake

They probably were real once
And hanging off a tree
But that was back before the war,
A distant memory.

They are sitting in a syrup
The consistency of glue
They've been soaking up that bright red dye
Since 1942

But here they come packed in a can
The model of convenience
A constant in each cake and pie
Despite the changing seasons.

So practical these cherries are,
That if your lights should blow
Your guests will locate their dessert
By its phosphorescent glow.

Image from Graphic Design Institute, link here (hope they don't mind - please let me know if you do, Graphic Design Institute, I don't see any contact info anywhere). The ad is originally from Ladies' Home Journal, November 1950.

The Sales Hit Of 1952

What sort of parties are these people going to, anyway? Look at them all clustered around a guy with a change purse made out of - an argyle sock. It is a real, genuine sock too. Not a fake sock. That is good to know, when you are showing it off.

Plus I suppose you could buy two and wear them when you run out of clean laundry. Only the Standard Purse Frames might be a bit uncomfortable.

All your new friends will go "tee hee," it looks like. Oh, tee hee! A Sock-O-Purse! What a "laff riot"! And a "Teen-Age fad sensation."

And practical, too! Because you can - ahem - sock away the profits in it. Get it? Huh? Well, do you? Boy, that's a riot, Alice. Tee hee!

From Billboard, January 28, 1952.

The Heavenly Twinplex

Hey, lady! Yeah, you with the odd staring expression. You know what you should get your guy for Father's Day? A razor blade sharpener, that's what. He will use and appreciate it daily!

Unless he has a beard. In that case, he probably won't use it at all. And he might not appreciate it.

And you - hey, you, mister! I guess you belong to the lady: you have both been stunned by the same zombie curse. In which case...should she really be getting you a Twinplex? It is pretty sharp. And you don't look ready to handle something dangerous.

Still, clip this ad! Oh wait - you are going to need scissors for that. Sharp scissors. Maybe you should just tear out the ad as best you can. Then leave it where she'll see it. Hmmm. But she's walking around in a hypnotic state. She wouldn't notice a clipping even if it was dancing on top of the piano singing "Tie Me To Your Apron Strings."

Maybe you'd better just put the ad right in front of her face and shout, "I want a Twinplex!"

Then you can tell her the secret you have learned: a sharp blade shaves better. Wow, that is an amazing truth! And usually you have to pay at least fifty cents to get secrets like this. Why, just look how happy the guy at the bottom is. Is that shaving cream on his face or a Santa Claus beard? And he has the same staring eyes as the couple at the top. I believe that has something to do with the Twinplex.

I think he may be sharpening a pencil with it. Because after you shave, you just want to go on using it and bragging about it. I think we must have had a Twinplex bolted to the walls of every classroom in elementary school.

Happy Father's Day!

Another fine product from Chicago, from Popular Mechanics, June 1946.

The Quickie Vacation

"There's a brand new trend in travel...the 'Quickie Vacation' by Greyhound!"

In this Greyhound bus
There is plenty of leg room
And elbow room, too.

Housework won't alarm
This beatific fashion plate
Nor yet tie her down.

But such happiness
Never was found on a bus:
The subtext must be

That this is a dream
Trip in grey land with pink trees
And reality

Is her daydreaming,
Sitting on the crosstown bus
That's stuck in traffic:

Quickie vacation?
Only until she gets back home,
And ties it back on.


Ad from 1947, from Ad Access.

No Musical Knowledge Needed

You know the drill, right? Buy this pathetic novelty that will no doubt break after the first time you use it, and before you can say "uh, how does this thing work again?" - you will have thousands of new friends! And super popularity! Oh, and incredible wealth!

All very unlikely, really.

But in this case, at least you'll have fun pushing some buttons. That's guaranteed. Until they get stuck, or break. And you can also have fun imagining your new exciting life - like the guy on the right, who seems oblivious to the fact that his partying pals have moved far, far away from him.

Maybe he has the wrong tie on, though. If he was wearing a Rising Tie, he'd probably be the most sought-after celebrity in the world. Although it might get in the way of pressing the buttons on the "Noteless Player" for some "red hot dance jazz." Maybe the electric jazz bow tie would be a better choice.

Even Trixie Friganza, that Famous Vaudeville Star, loves this thing. She learned how to press the buttons in only 3 minutes, apparently. That kind of sounds like a long time if all you are doing is - uh, pressing a couple of buttons. And if Trixie is so Famous, why is she even getting involved? Doesn't she have lots of hangers-on already?

Trixie is over on the left, looking thrilled. Maybe this was taken before she discovered the Noteless Player - back in the days of Weary Practice and Costly Lessons. Because come to think of it, I used to have a similar expression during my piano lessons.

Or maybe she just hates that baby bonnet she's wearing.

Now, in addition to the admiring crowds and the new friends, and being the epicenter of any party, you will also have some "money-making opportunities." Right at the party, do they mean? Because that sounds a little dodgy. Make that a lot dodgy. Still, who wouldn't want to liven up a social gathering with a rousing rendition of "Tie Me To Your Apron Strings"? That's always a crowd pleaser.

This fine product (from Chicago!) is from a 1926 issue of Art and Beauty, via Wikimedia. Trixie's photo is from the Library of Congress.

The Prince of Ties

Everything about this is weird and wonderful. The crude cartoony people. Their ridiculous expressions. The double-entendre of attracting girls with a "Rising Tie." And the assumption that popularity with women means sending them into hysterics: fits of distress or uncontrollable laughter, take your pick! The girl on the left is distressed, the one on the right maniacally amused. Either that or she's checking out Distressed Girl's choice of shoes, since she isn't even looking at the tie.

Then there's the sad, Woody-Allenesque floating head behind the Popular Guy. Perhaps it is really his alter ego - since this whole Rising Tie thing is rife with Freudian implications. Or maybe the floating head is the shadow of Mr. Popular's former self, symbolizing the second thoughts that even the silliest man might have, in a quiet moment, about this thing.

"Your friends will be held spellbound and remain fascinated for hours..." Like that's going to happen. All you have to do is "take a deep breath and say 'Ah.'" Practice, you see, for when you're at the doctor's getting checked out. I reckon that'll be pretty soon now.

From Popular Mechanics (who are also Popular Guys), April 1949.

That's The Truth, Ruth

Ruth came home to see her ma
Head stuffed full of knowledge
Heaven knows the things they learn
Nowadays at college!

"Ma," said Ruth, "I've learned so much!
I used to run with losers
But in the dorm I live with gals
All happy Tampax users!"

"So I would like to use it now -
It's not considered new:
And so I packed my suitcase and
Came home to check with you."

Ma said "What happened to 'Hello'?
You really are a caution!
Don't tell me you came all this way
Just to discuss absorption?"

"Now Tampax has its pluses, yes,
Though I have not allowed it,
But quick change artists are the best
Now restrooms are so crowded..."

"You say a doctor thought of this?"
"Why, heavens, yes," said Ruth
Geography class pays off as she
Plays havoc with the truth,

Reeling off the continents
Some distant and fantastic,
Where Tampax has conquered women who
Are most enthusiastic;

Ruth bounces off the walls with glee,
Deep in a happy spin,
So Mother pours herself a shot
And mutters, "I give in!

"If Tampax makes you light of heart
And not act like a fool
Go buy a case of it, my dear -
Now go on back to school!"

[From Ad Access.]

Spam Nation

Spam, lovely Spam. This will appeal to the Gmail elves who never fail to put Spam recipes at the top of my Spam filter, which is amusing but also faintly revolting.

Now in 1972, you could have your choice of three delicious Spam varieties, matched to your proclivities and your personality, almost. Sort of like a culinary Rorschach test!

1. Regular, Boring Spam: "Don't worry," says the ad copy, we still make it plain. Gusty sighs of relief heard all over the land.

2. Smoke Flavored Spam: "If you like meat cooked outdoors on the grill, you'll love this loaf." Oh, right. And once we're done pretending to barbecue, I have a very nice bridge in Brooklyn that I'm selling cheap! PS: Calling this a "loaf" is not the best way to evoke the thought of grilled delicacies.

3. Hmmmm, yummy! Even the name is appealing...Spam With Cheese Chunks: They were just warming up with that "loaf" business. This is sheer poetry! "Like the taste of a ham-and-cheese sandwich? Then try this. It's quicker, thriftier, too. You get SPAM's good juicy meat with little nuggets of cheese built in."

That's the way to get people to buy it - make the product sound like a home-improvement project. Built-in bookcases, built-in chunks of fake cheese. Furthermore, if slapping ham and cheese on bread is too time-consuming for you, Spam is not going to improve your life.

It won't anyway.

This is from a 1972 Good Housekeeping Timesaving Cookbook, which seems to be a special edition of the magazine. The ads all stick to the general theme suggested in the title, so you can imagine the level of the cuisine.

America's Least Amusing Comic Book Ad

America's least amusing and worst idea. What's wrong with this? Everything, really. Not good for the South American monkeys. Not good for your house and furniture. Lousy for both children and adults. And most of all (and I know, I am repeating myself here) lousy for the squirrel monkeys. This is something no one should have thought of, advertised, or done. And yet - here's this ad, a testament to - oh, something lousy. A testament to - bad judgment! Yes, that's it.

And the sending of "your telephone number and nearest airport" strikes just the right note of impending disaster.

Who on earth really answered this sort of ad? The same people who brought baby alligators home to New York City from Florida in the 1940s, only to release them into the sewer system where they became urban legends? Perhaps. Here is a plug, shameless as only a plug on a rainy Monday morning can be, for my inside look at the sewergators of New York, step right this way.

This ad is from a 1971 comic book called Millie the Model. Not that Millie would condone this sort of thing.

500 Sample Suits

Dear Sir:

Thank you very much for this incredible offer, as per Popular Science of February 1951. I realize that I am answering your ad rather late, but I only just saw it over at Google Books.

Let's get this straight. You envision 500 guys walking around in sample suits that, since they are samples, will fit in varying degrees ranging from Maybe OK to Completely Ridiculous.*

These ill-tailored, ill-fitting suits (witness Sample Guy at right, whose happiness is inversely proportional to the fit) will inspire men all over the US to place orders for same.

And all your agents have to do is walk around looking like they just found a free parking space in midtown Manhattan.** Because men like going up to strangers and asking "Where did you get that suit? It really is sensationally well-fitted."

As you say, "My Plan is AMAZING!" Yes. Yes it is.

Your "BIG SAMPLE KIT" sounds amazing, too. It consists, I assume, of all the sample-suit bits you have gathered up off the factory floor.

I am delighted to note that you operated out of Chicago, center of retro oddball schemes - that makes perfect sense.

Sincerely yours, Lidian

* I notice that what you send in the mail is not a suit, but a Valuable Suit Coupon. I cannot imagine that you have tailors all over the US making your particular suits. So this makes no sense at all. Which is in keeping with the rest of the ad, I suppose.

**Or Chicago, more to the point.

Rinsa-Rama Ding Dong

You're a "charm-conscious woman" and you have been waiting for some casual waves to show up in your hair. But your hair just hasn't been responsive. It's been in a bad mood. Cranky. Hard to curl. And those split ends are exasperating. They don't know how to behave.

Rinsa-Rama to the rescue!

Rinsa-Rama sounds more like a cheap launderette than a perm solution, but no matter. You will have a terrific time messing with this stuff. Think of it as a kind of sleepover party for your hair.

First, you have to put some Rinsa-Rama into a full glass of water. Yum, it's lemony! Lemony and also proteiny. But where is the protein? Lemons aren't known for their protein content - even if they have quotation marks around them.

Anyway, you comb it all into your hair. The whole glass of water. So you will be staying up pretty late. And then you put your hair up in curlers. After that you can try getting to sleep.

In the morning you might have some curls happening. If not, never fear. Just send the bottle top back for a full refund. Oh, and be careful not to spill lemony gunk all over the rug. You know, since you won't have the bottle cap anymore. And for two dollars you can get enough gunk to make two gallons' worth. So you can invite everyone in your charm school over for a little Rinsa-Rama.

Roto-Hoe

Roto-Hoe (inspired by the Beach Boys' "Kokomo")

Home Hardware, IKEA, what a great idea
I might go to Rona, if I do I'll phone ya
Not far to Home Depot, baby why don't we go

Off the patio door
There's a place called our backyard
That's where you wanna go
but weeds are choking it all

Bodies on the divan
Popsicles melting in your hand
We'll be fighting about
Who's supposed to get an energy surge
And use the Roto-Hoe

Aruba Jamaica that's too far to take ya
Computer, pajamas, gardening as drama
To Target, Home Depot, baby why don't we go
Down to Home Depot
We'll get there fast
The checkout line will be slow
That's 'cause the whole town wants
To buy a Roto-Hoe

Too tired to speak, a hour feels like a week...

We'll get home and then
Collapse exhausted in the den
By and by we'll get wise
and order in a big pizza pie

Afternoon and night
We'll have the same annoying fight
That dreamy look in your eye
Tells me you let the entire weekend go by
Not using Roto-Hoe.

[the Aruba Jamaica chorus in here somewhere]

Everybody knows
It's still a pain with Roto-Hoe
Now if you wanna delay
The yardwork for one more day
No one will ever know!

[oh, chorus here again, you know the drill]

And here's the real song. Happy Thursday (not, not, not Friday - thank you, Tori...I need more coffee!)

Starlight Hypno-Mint

Look deeply, deeply into this 3D starlight mint...It has magic power! It will hypnotize you at a glance. Yes, it will! Maybe. The ad at least will hypnotize you into putting a dollar in an envelope, right?

The hand that is holding the Hypno-Mint seems to consist of two thumbs. And from the bottom of one thumb long hair is growing, which ends in a small spooky head. And the head is very definitely enthralled by the swirly thing. There's your proof that it works, right there!

So whatcha going to do with the little head, now that it's in your power, oh two-thumbed hand? Well, you can "make people obey your commands without subject's knowledge." OK, but a little head isn't going to be able to do much for you, is it? In fact I wonder how the head put all that makeup on, and applied all that Frost-and-Glow to her hair (she must have had to use about 3 boxes, too). I think the head's the one with the magical powers, really.

Still, a magic coin and 25 lessons in hypnotism for only a dollar is quite a bargain. And who knows what else the American Circle Corporation made. Circular things, no doubt. Plates, buttons, smiley-face stickers? Could you hire them to make crop circles in your field?*

What we do know is that they made the best Starlight Mints ever. Although if you really want to hypnotize someone with a piece of candy, I recommend Belgian chocolate.

* They made novelties, actually. Some of which were not in fact shaped like circles.

Without Bite Or Sludge

This item may well be revolutionary, cool and sweet. And it doesn't bite you. That's a relief. And also - no sludge (ugh).

But if it requires a syringe and a scraper - well, no thanks! Ewww.

And why are black/white, blue/white, pink/white and green/red "most noble colors"? Really, why? Are you supposed to look like a Byzantine Emperor or Sir Lancelot with this thing in your mouth? Old King Cole, maybe. But he is kind of silly.

As for cleaning and rest, we all need some of both of those things (and not necessarily in that order, either). I don't care how cool your little pipe is. Or how Scientific your Associates may be.

Ad from Esquire, July 1966. And that lovely picture of Old King Cole is from Wikipedia.

A Face Gone Sour

Joe, let's just get one thing straight: those are not hickies all over your face. The technical term is zits. Super, three-dimensional, frightening megazits.

And his friend just can't understand why he doesn't want to go out and meet "peaches" (i.e., cute girls):

Joe gives me a pain...Won't go anywhere because he's got a batch of hickies on his face.

Yeah, that's really tough to understand. Can't the friend go out by himself? And look, there's a girl right there anyway. She too seems surprised about what's bugging Joe.

How can this be a surprise to anyone in Joe's social circle?

The girl suggests that Joe's horrible friend tell him about Fleischmann's Yeast. Sounds like a non sequitur, but no! No, yeast is just what Joe needs to "bump off" those zits.

If it's any consolation, Joe, you have "important glands" to thank for them. And "waste poisons," too - there, don't you feel better now? More attractive? Well, you will once you start in with the eating-three-cakes-of yeast-a-day business, which seems to be the standard prescription. Take a look over here, for example:

The Secret of Happy Ingewanden (Fleischmann's Yeast helps constipation!)
Yeast of Eden (...and run-down crabby women!)
A Moveable Yeast (...and also run-down civil engineers!)

And also, of course, your...hickies will clear up. Watch out, ladies, "old Joe" will soon be "makin' up for lost time." Bon appétit.

Advertisement (with FREE complimentary bit torn out at bottom) from Argosy, July 1936.

Happy-Go-Lucky Strikes

Luckies are less acid than what? Lemon juice? Vinegar? Dorothy Parker?

So many questions...

Here's another one: What in the world was someone doing to the old magazines I rescued yesterday?

They were all quite a bit the worse for wear, having been stuck in a box in a secondhand store. I think someone tried to wipe their kitchen counter with one of them back in 1954. And as for the 1930s Argosy magazines (this ad is from one of them) - bits have come off the bottom. Well, as you can see.

And they are yellow and have no covers. Magazines only a person who adores old ads - and has a scanner! - could love! I am sure that the bookstore lady thought I was mighty strange to want them.

So that's why this Lucky Strikes ad has a rip at the bottom. And so does the Monday ad - but that is a gem. It is so funny I can hardly wait to show it to you. But we could all use a good laugh on Mondays. So I'll save it.

I don't know why this lady is playing with tobacco. She may work in the Luckies factory since she is wearing some sort of uniform. But she seems too happy to be making her stash into boring little cigarettes.

There seems to be a strand of tobacco on her lower lip, so maybe she's snacking on it. It is less acid, you know. But still. What do you think she's planning on doing with the tobacco? Making a wig? Stuffing a sofa cushion? Is she going to spin it into gold for Rumpelstiltskin? Whatever it is, it is giving her a lovestruck smile.

Assorted Nutty Signku

In Newark they know
That this is just what I need:
Assorted Nutty Signs.

Welcome to Friday:
The week's detritus requires
Some sort of labels.

Why not nutty ones?
The Krazy kooky papers
Piled in a corner

Network with the mail:
They could all use a label.
"Gone Fishing," perhaps?

That ersatz Bunny
However, does not belong
On my car windshield.

Nor will monster's head
Dress up any bike of mine:
Too flashy by far.

Is this what one sees
Travelling around Newark?
A world of signage

Both Nutty and Krazy?
Flashy colorful decals,
A paper circus.

There, I'd mark my door
"Last Exit Before Turnpike"
The sink: "No Dumping."

The Panic Button?
That goes on the fridge, because
Just like Celine Dion's heart

Dinner must go on.

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Thixotro

Look, here is the perfect girl for Volto!

He is, you may remember, the guy from Mars who loves Grape Nuts cereal and has magnets in his hands.

Well, here are her hands, anyway. I don't know anything else about her. She is "a born leader, courageous, tactful, poised."

OK, that's good. She'll need courage and tact all right, since he's from another planet. And if she is a born leader, that's good too. She might want to take charge of his wardrobe, because the little red hood just isn't doing Volto any favors.

The new creamy nail-polish remover at the bottom of the ad is called Thixotro. That's a planet too, I'll bet. The planet of Perfumed Nail Polish. Thixotro would also be a good baby name, if things work out for these two.

******

Thanks to Janet at Found In Mom's Basement and indirectly to Lulu's Vintage, which is where she found it.

The Key To Romance

The key to romance is not having legs that look like a topographical map. That is really it. Everything else is going to fall into place for you if you have added leg beauty. Not just ordinary leg beauty. Added leg beauty.

Take a look and see what is going on on your legs. Spots, blemishes, marks and lines. And ugly scars and burns. Unless you happen to be dating a cartographer, you might want to use this cream.

Oh, and you can put some on your face too. And under your eyes. And on your neck. Yeah, you have lines and spots everywhere. You are just covered in dermatological Morse code. So dig in your wallet and get ready to hand over some cash to the postman, when he rolls up with your industrial-sized jar of - oh, wait, what is this stuff called? - "Cover-Up." That's a little uninspired, isn't it? At least call it Miracle Cover-Up or Magic Leg Cream!

I guess they blew most of the budget on Lab Testing. That must have been a fun lab. Hey, everybody, lather up your legs with this. Don't get any on the white coats, it'll never come out!

Then they probably ran some tests on how waterproof it was. If the Cover-Up Leg Beauticians were selling a lot of cream (and had wrestled enough money from the postman), the scientists got more of a research budget. That means they got to throw a fancy pool party. But if the postmen got to the pool first, the lab tests probably meant going out back and turning the hose on each other.

Getting Fried

Let's see, how does one become famous for fried foods?

1. Fry all food that you can get your hands on.

2. Maybe even twice. Then you can be twice as famous!

3. Tell everyone that you fry food.

4. Open all windows and make sure the neighbors are aware of you, too.

5. At dinnertime, announce to the family that what they are eating is - you know. Fried.

6. This may not be enough to ensure your fame though. So I think you might want to phone up some of the newspapers, too.

7. Tell them at length how much you love to fry food.

8. Oh, and start a blog about fried foods.

9. Every day, you can post about something else to fry.

10. Fry unusual foods, too. Like how about fried cereal? Fried cookies. Fried Saltines. Fried Tums.

11. Declare every Tuesday a Fun Fair at your house and serve the delectable specialties of the midway: fried Oreos, fried Coca Cola, fried Twinkies and fried lattes. Oh, yes there is such a thing. Jane Ashby would be so proud!

12. Tell the local TV station about your ambition to fry the biggest cupcake (let us say) in your town. Maybe in the world! Go for the Guinness Book of World Records record.

13. Are you famous yet? I'll bet you are. Or perhaps you will become infamous for fried foods. Anything can happen with golden Mazola - Jane Ashby over there in the ad knows all about it. You can tell by the knowing smirk on her face, and the tongs in her hand.

A Remarkable Cake Discovery

Apparently, everyone's hair is "faded, dull, burnt and off color."

It's also a perfect description of me on your typical Monday: faded, dull, burnt and off color. Except for the burnt. Unless I've been baking. Speaking of which: a Remarkable Cake Discovery for me means finding out we have an envelope of brownie mix hiding in the cupboard.

But the Tintz Hair Tinting people have more serious Cake Discoveries in mind. What they have got for us is a cake of shampoo soap loaded with remarkably cheap dye.

The lady's head over there is definitely convinced. She is gazing up adoringly at the copy like it was Clark Gable emoting on the silver screen. And look, it comes from Chicago! Of course. That is where many, many wonderful products come from, as we all know very well by now. (I am going to start tagging things 'Chicago' because there are a LOT). I am so pleased to see a Canadian office too!

And don't worry, scrubbing your head with a big cake of dye will not make it look dyed. Because Tintz "works gradual" and is "real smooth." Just like Clark Gable! Only with more grammatical errors. And more remarkable cake!